Post-Valentines

I woke up on my couch this morning.    I hadn’t intended on sleeping on my couch, but even when I woke in the middle of the night, bashed my head on one end table, and kicked the other (the couch isn’t long enough for me) I stayed on the couch.

 

It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t want to sleep in my own bed.

The idea of going to bed, sleeping alone and waking up alone, simply wasn’t ok with me.

 

So when I felt myself drifting, instead of getting up, turning off the tv and lights and going to bed… I pulled the couch blanket over me.

This morning, I think that was one of them.

 

I realized this morning, post-Valentines, that I go out of my way to make these *firsts* – these *special days*- our holidays special.

 

The summer after Mark died?   I planned a couple of holidays.   The week before his Celebration of Life – the boys got to go visit family.  Christmas – I planned fun special things.   New Years, I planned on being at a party.   My birthday?  One of the best I’ve had in years, aside from the fact that he wasn’t there.   And Valentines… I planned a dinner and a small party of sorts for myself and a friend who was alone on Valentines as well.

 

I refuse to succumb to the overwhelming numbness, the overwhelming pain, the overwhelming grief.

Oh don’t get me wrong – it still gets me – but I rarely stay lost in it.  I fall in the hole, but then I come back out of it.

 

This is the parent I want my children to see as a role model – the Mom who falls apart, then puts herself back together again.

Life is not about being stoic.   Life is not about being broken all the time.  Life is a series of dismantling and putting back together.

 

I hope I am setting a good example.   I hope they are learning to handle adversity in a healthy way.

Mostly – I hope they understand it’s ok to fall apart because we can get up and put ourselves together again.

 

Happy Post-Valentines to all my friends…. today is Friday…. and the weekend promises to be mostly sunny, which means a hike is possible on Sunday 🙂

054

 

Hey Sarah????  Wanna come climb a mountain with me again?

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