I woke up on my couch this morning.    I hadn’t intended on sleeping on my couch, but even when I woke in the middle of the night, bashed my head on one end table, and kicked the other (the couch isn’t long enough for me) I stayed on the couch.


It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t want to sleep in my own bed.

The idea of going to bed, sleeping alone and waking up alone, simply wasn’t ok with me.


So when I felt myself drifting, instead of getting up, turning off the tv and lights and going to bed… I pulled the couch blanket over me.

This morning, I think that was one of them.


I realized this morning, post-Valentines, that I go out of my way to make these *firsts* – these *special days*- our holidays special.


The summer after Mark died?   I planned a couple of holidays.   The week before his Celebration of Life – the boys got to go visit family.  Christmas – I planned fun special things.   New Years, I planned on being at a party.   My birthday?  One of the best I’ve had in years, aside from the fact that he wasn’t there.   And Valentines… I planned a dinner and a small party of sorts for myself and a friend who was alone on Valentines as well.


I refuse to succumb to the overwhelming numbness, the overwhelming pain, the overwhelming grief.

Oh don’t get me wrong – it still gets me – but I rarely stay lost in it.  I fall in the hole, but then I come back out of it.


This is the parent I want my children to see as a role model – the Mom who falls apart, then puts herself back together again.

Life is not about being stoic.   Life is not about being broken all the time.  Life is a series of dismantling and putting back together.


I hope I am setting a good example.   I hope they are learning to handle adversity in a healthy way.

Mostly – I hope they understand it’s ok to fall apart because we can get up and put ourselves together again.


Happy Post-Valentines to all my friends…. today is Friday…. and the weekend promises to be mostly sunny, which means a hike is possible on Sunday 🙂



Hey Sarah????  Wanna come climb a mountain with me again?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s