I woke up on my couch this morning. I hadn’t intended on sleeping on my couch, but even when I woke in the middle of the night, bashed my head on one end table, and kicked the other (the couch isn’t long enough for me) I stayed on the couch.
It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t want to sleep in my own bed.
The idea of going to bed, sleeping alone and waking up alone, simply wasn’t ok with me.
So when I felt myself drifting, instead of getting up, turning off the tv and lights and going to bed… I pulled the couch blanket over me.
This morning, I think that was one of them.
I realized this morning, post-Valentines, that I go out of my way to make these *firsts* – these *special days*- our holidays special.
The summer after Mark died? I planned a couple of holidays. The week before his Celebration of Life – the boys got to go visit family. Christmas – I planned fun special things. New Years, I planned on being at a party. My birthday? One of the best I’ve had in years, aside from the fact that he wasn’t there. And Valentines… I planned a dinner and a small party of sorts for myself and a friend who was alone on Valentines as well.
I refuse to succumb to the overwhelming numbness, the overwhelming pain, the overwhelming grief.
Oh don’t get me wrong – it still gets me – but I rarely stay lost in it. I fall in the hole, but then I come back out of it.
This is the parent I want my children to see as a role model – the Mom who falls apart, then puts herself back together again.
Life is not about being stoic. Life is not about being broken all the time. Life is a series of dismantling and putting back together.
I hope I am setting a good example. I hope they are learning to handle adversity in a healthy way.
Mostly – I hope they understand it’s ok to fall apart because we can get up and put ourselves together again.
Happy Post-Valentines to all my friends…. today is Friday…. and the weekend promises to be mostly sunny, which means a hike is possible on Sunday 🙂
Hey Sarah???? Wanna come climb a mountain with me again?