Every once in a while, the reality of bieng a “widow” sneaks up on me.
Widow is not just “woman who lost her husband” but widow also means “hey guess what?!? you’re SINGLE again”
So it means that you never have a plus 1.
I want to invite people for dinner and cards – but I’m missing my other half – my partner in Euchre.
I want to go out and do stuff – but I’m the single woman there.
I want to go to parties, but I don’t want to walk in alone.
Funny how when he was alive – I had no problem going to places alone – I think it was because I knew I had him to come home to. Now, I go alone, I come home alone, I sleep alone.
I was talking to an old friend today – he’s seeing this lovely lady who’s becoming a new friend – and I thought “It would be nice to have them over for dinner” and then thought… ffs… where’s Mark?? Will it be weird to have a couple over when I’m a single?
I feel odd about it. Mark and I liked to do “couple” things. No matter what we did, or who we were with, we always came home to each other. I miss that.
On a daily basis I’m reminded of the things that made us such great partners – he was the yang to my yin. We complemented each other and now I feel off course – like a boat that suddenly lost one of it’s oars.
Feeling like the 3rd wheel is not something I like… I miss being a part of a couple – but only when it’s right. Being part of the wrong couple is worse than being alone, I think.
I miss him. How can one person miss another this much and still function?