Kids came and went. I spent time alone, spent time with others, but overall kept busy enough that I wasn’t broken and sad all the time.
Saturday night I had dinner with a friend and stayed at his place. Sunday Katie came over and split a bottle of wine with me, and another friend came and stayed with me Monday – Thursday. Wednesday was craft night. Thursday night I had friends over for dinner and Friday night I got my kids back.
Saturday night I had friends over for a movie, and tonight is a friend’s birthday party.
My week alone was very much NOT alone.
There were a few moments of sadness. There was a drive from work where I was bawling the whole way down, but that quickly cleared up when I got home to my craft night friends.
There was a conversation with the friend who was staying with me about how much I miss Mark. About how broken I am without him.
There was an end of a book that made me bawl.
There has been many days of the grief soup where my chest is tight, my throat is closed, the tears are threatening… but it doesn’t spill over into actual tears…
So it’s been a week. Two more days and it will have been 9 months. I don’t remember feeling so AWARE of the date at the 7th 0r 8th month… somehow 9 months feels so much more lonely.
Its coming up on the end of the firsts. I’ve already lost a lot of the lasts… the last time he was at home, the last time he was able to walk, the last time he was able to speak, the last time he held me in our kitchen, the last time he cooked for us…. but the end of the firsts is coming.
And then there will be the nevers… He’ll never see me play as a Siren. He’ll never see the boys graduate. He’ll never see our grandchildren. He’ll never walk our daughter down the aisle. He’ll never grow old with me.
Life is not fair… but I was blessed with 14 amazing years with him. Some people never get the relationship I had with him… they never get to experience what we had. I was blessed. I am blessed with 4 amazing children who got to be raised by that man.