The black hole of grief has found me again tonight.
Aside from being 9 months, which I had managed VERY well with yoga this morning, keeping busy at work, healthy food, lots of water, awesome new recipe for dinner, clean kitchen and a walk with my boys to the park at night… coffee with a friend…. I didn’t have any triggers today.
But I did everything right. I exercised. I ate healthy. I surrounded myself with people. I kept my mind occupied.
And then I watched Monday night’s episode of “How I Met Your Mother”
And Ted is talking to his future wife (the episode is Time Travellers) and he says to his future wife, “I want those 45 days. I want every one of them. I will love you until the end of my days”
And I started crying.
I want another 45 days. I want more time. More time to tell him I love him. More time for him to watch his children grow up.
I want to be able to hold him again and hear his heart beat. Gawd how I loved listening to his heart beat. Especially after the heart attacks.
I will love him until the end of my days. And tonight his absence hurts more than the day he died…. too many layers of numbness have been peeled away.
I’m going to hide in the black hole tonight… and hope that I wake up in the morning and be able to see the light again.