Pregnant Pause

9 months. Why do people think pregnancies are 9 months long?  They’re 9 1/2 months if you’re going by a calendar, 10 months if you’re going lunar.   But it’s not *really* 9 months.   Maybe because 9 months is how long it is once you’ve missed that first period… then there’s 9 calendar months after that.

At 9 months pregnant, it’s a fully formed baby, capable of breathing on its own, functioning and surviving out of the womb.

At 9 months old, my youngest son was walking.

9 months ago, I was saying goodbye to my husband.

In the last 9 months, a new life has slowly emerged.  A life of widowhood.  A life of single parenthood.  A life of single womanhood.  A life I neither wanted, nor expected, but is, nonetheless, a life I am learning to embrace.

The pregnant pause of intense grief, intense sorrow, intense numbness… that has slowly melted away, and I emerge … stronger?  wiser? sadder? I emerge a new person, with a new life ahead of me.  The grief still hits me in waves, but the frequency of those waves is lessening, to a degree.  The ferocity with which they hit me seems to be somewhat less as well.

The next 9 months will take me to Christmas 2013.   It will have taken me past most of the firsts… some still waiting to happen… but I will be well into my second year as a widow, single parent and single woman.  It will be interesting to who I’ve become, and what my transformation looks like.

9 months today.

Mark's Urn


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