What’s in a Number?

I talked about 9 months yesterday…  and how it was going for me.  I talked about the black hole of grief that hit me when I saw one of my favourite shows and Ted’s few moments of how much he wanted those extra 45 days.

My oldest son has been using his Dad’s cell for the past 9 months or so.  He lived in Squamish, so the number was ok to use.  And then he moved to Kamloops, and requested a new number.  I said… not yet.  I’m not ready to give that up yet.

He’s moving to Edmonton next week.   I asked him if he wanted an Edmonton number.

He said yes, and today was fine to change it.

A 10 minute phone call later, and the number is gone.  Mark’s cell number is no longer.

I had a bit of a meltdown when I changed the name in my phone from Mark to Kyle.   Being able to go back and look at those old text messages where he was telling me how much he loves me… priceless (although they now say from Kyle Cavanagh but I know who they’re from)

The loss of the number though?  It’s hitting me in an entirely different way.  There’s the residual grief from last night.  There’s the sadness of the 9 months.  There’s the pain that seems to be hitting me harder today.

And now the numby, or a feeling or a reality of anything other than a number.   I can’t keep everything that was his, just because it was his.  The *stuff* isn’t going to bring him back.

What’s in a number?  Not much.  Just another memory…

I have 14 years of memories… the best ones coming from the video montage Michelle did for me.  You can see it here… 

I will be watching it again soon.  For some reason the boys have been extremely clingy lately.  It makes it hard to get time on my own…

I will miss that phone number – it was easy to remember…   I miss Mark more though.   The number isn’t important.

Mark in Fruitvale


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