Mike came down on a random road trip this week. He was bored, I suggested random road trip, he showed up 9 hours later.
A couple weeks ago I wrote about the new grief I’m experiencing as I move forward in my relationship with Mike. I wrote about how I recognized that moving forward towards joy and love meant moving away from Mark. I don’t know if it does, really… but it feels like it at times.
My biggest fear with Mike was that he wouldn’t be able to truly handle my grief. That when I broke down in front of him he wouldn’t be able to handle it and he’d walk away. That he wouldn’t be emotionally *there* for me.
I was wrong.
I was so wrong.
I had a moment…. I went into my bedroom and lay down on my bed and started crying. About 10 minutes into it, Mike came looking for me. He curled up behind me, and kissed me, held me. When my tears started subsiding he pulled me up into a hug.
I broke. The dam broke. I fell apart and my knees buckled and the sobs overcame me.
He didn’t run away. He didn’t leave me. He pulled me tighter and held me closer.
He let me cry. He let me grieve my late husband. He held me and loved me until I was able to get myself under control.
And he stayed.
Dating after losing my husband was somewhat terrifying. I look around at my friends, at other women, at how they get no emotional support from their husbands, boyfriends, partners. How they don’t have that emotional support that I was so very used to with Mark. I didn’t know if I’d open myself up completely… and be rejected. “George” was my happy place – no emotions involved… no vulnerability.
Mike stayed. He let me cry. He let me be vulnerable. He held my heart in his hands, and gently, oh so gently, drew a line of gold along one of the cracks and healed it…