When One Door Closes…

We’ve all heard the saying… when one door closes, another one opens.

Photo credit: http://trlphotos.deviantart.com/art/Open-Door-337677498

What no one talks about is the pain when the door behind you closes.  Everyone focuses on the bright, wonderful things ahead, but no one really talks about the loss of what was behind the door you just walked through.

Just because the door is closed, doesn’t mean that place, those things, those people aren’t still important to you.

My husband died. (duh – that’s why I have this blog)  I am currently sitting in the door frame.  I have one foot in the past, and one foot in the future.  

The pull of what is ahead of me is strong.  I want it. I’m excited for it.  The possibilities are endless.  The joys that it will bring to my life are abundant with life and love and laughter.

The pull of what is behind me is also strong… not quite as much, but still strong.  The memories, the love that was shared, the place, the energy, the hopes and dreams of what was continues to pull at me as I try to walk through the door.

When I close the door behind me, when I finally take those final steps, I will have severed many of the ties that held me to that past, that held me to the world behind me.

What I’ll have left are memories, pictures, momentos… and no way to get back to that time and place.

Part of me knows already that I can’t go back there.  I can live immersed in those memories, I can create new memories, but it will always feel slightly “wrong” and out of step.

I think that’s why so many widows and widowers are lost, and wander in their lives… the pain of stepping through that door, not knowing what’s on the other side, not knowing if what is to come is as good, as wonderful or will ever be as familiar as what was… that keeps us paralyzed with one foot in the future, and one in the past.

We can’t imagine life without him.  We can’t continue to live with him.   It leaves us in limbo.  It leaves us in a purgatory of not wanting to let go, but wanting something new and joyful.

The door is closing, for me, faster than I expected it to.   Unless I want to close the door on the future that awaits me,  I will be forced to take the final step towards the future.

I know the future ahead of me is a good one.  I know it is and I’m looking forward to it.   I’m just scared of losing the past.

Mark in Fruitvale


One thought on “When One Door Closes…

  1. nivaladiva says:

    I totally understand and agree that it’s hard to step through that door. For me, there’s a feeling of “it will never be the same, so what’s the point?” I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like that but I think the trick is to be patient. I also believe that on some level the we never lose the past. Rather, we take it with us, not in a “baggage” kind of way, but like we take the experience and lessons with us, and the spirit of the lossed loved one never leaves our side because we are different people for having known and loved them.

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