I’m not 19 anymore…

There’s this part of me that is still a 19 year old kid.  I’m terrified.  I’m insecure.  I don’t feel “good enough.”

That’s all bullshit.

Last night, I let my 19 year old self take over.   I let the old insecurities come to the surface, I let the fears come to surface.

I am not my 19 year old self.

I am not my 38 year old self.

I am not the wife of a man who had 2 heart attacks and had a disabling form of arthritis.

I am not the wife of a man who spent 159 days in ICU hoping desperately against hope that he would get better and come home to us.

I am his widow.

I have changed in so many ways from my 19 year old self, from my 38 year old self, from who I was.

My way of looking at the world has changed.  I am stronger, I am more confident, I am more secure in what I want and who I am.

When I was 19, my heart was broken.

When I was 39, my husband died.

None of this affects who will be in my life in the future or what will happen in the future.

I am me.   And the person I am was shaped by the 19 year old, the 39 year old, but I am not them.

Comfort-Zone

 

happy-place

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