Today’s Daily Prompt is about the journey.
I look back on the past 334 days and see how far I’ve come, how much I’ve changed and where I’m headed now.
I almost don’t recognize myself.
January 19, 2012 is the day our lives changed forever. He got sick, and spent 159 days fighting to get better.
June 26, 2012 is the day our world shifted on it’s axis and suddenly nothing made sense any more.
January 2012 Jane was very different than June 26 Jane.
June 26 Jane…. she’s so very different than May 26 Jane.
Today, I am a woman still grieving over the loss of my husband. I am the parent of two children who have lost not one but two dads, and two boys whom I have to raise to adulthood without their father.
I figured out that grief is not something I can “get over” or “recover” from. It’s not something that will *ever* go away. Like a person who’s lost a limb, I’ve learned to function without Mark, but I am always aware of what’s missing.
The journey I have been on has been one of learning who I am without my husband, who I am as a parent, and how I want to live my life.
I get to start over. I get to start fresh. I get to create a life I want based on what’s important to me.
I reblogged this post yesterday. My friend who posted this made sure she warned me that it may be a trigger for me… silly me, I didn’t listen. Instead I went to read it, and reached this paragraph, started crying, and had to stop reading for the moment:
When Mark died (yes, his name was Mark also), my friend suffered a new trauma, the pain of losing her husband forever, the grief was palpable from thousands of miles away. But, something else happened too. Something I personally think that Mark KNEW would happen. Something I think he believed would be EASIER, BETTER, HEALTHIER for his beloved. The permanency of him being gone in death, allowed her the freedom to resume life. She was no longer stuck in the stagnation zone that she had been in for 6 months waiting for him. His death gave her life back to her, in a very real and tangible way.
FFS – reading it now – having read this particular blog post several times since she posted it – I’m still welling up with tears. It still makes me cry.
She pointed something out that I hadn’t considered. Something that is so very much like my husband that I don’t know how I missed it.
HE GAVE ME MY LIFE BACK
The man, who would do anything in the world to make me happy, gave me a gift of life.
I highly recommend reading the entire post.
After 17 months… we’re adjusting fairly well to Mark not being with us. We miss him, but we’ve found a routine that mostly works. It still needs some tweaking, but it mostly works. 11 months after his death – we’re learning to move on. We’re moving to a new town at the end of summer to make a fresh start without all the memories poking holes in our hearts in this house…
Mark will always be here – he will always be a part of me and the boys…. but he left us, and in leaving us… he gave us our lives back.
The journey hasn’t been easy – and its not a journey I’d choose to go on… but it is my life and I have changed and evolved for the better. I am a stronger, more capable, more independent woman.
And I know that it’s not over… life is a journey… Mark’s path has diverged from mine, but I do believe we’ll find each other again some day…