Happy Father’s Day!!

Today Mark looks rough, he’s tired and keeps drifting off. Everytime he opens his eyes though, he gives me a super sweet smile. 

Kidney function is improving, lung function is doing well, and they’ve started feeds again. 

Had a ling conversation with his doctor about the measures we’re taking to help him recover and he assured me that we’re still doing everything in Mark’s best interests. 

He is optimistic for Mark’s recovery. 

Surgery today for a wash out and change of sponges. 

Good news, Mark is well enough to be in a double – he doesn’t need one on one care.

This was my Facebook status update for Father’s Day (June 17) 2012.

I find it hard to believe that it has been almost a year.  On Father’s Day 2012 – we still expected him to get better.  He’d had some serious setbacks, but being in a double meant that there was one nurse for two patients.  This meant that while he was still in ICU – he didn’t require as much care as the sicker patients.  He was getting better.

My Dad died in April 2011.   This Father’s Day marks the second without my Dad, the first without my husband/father of my kids and the last of the firsts before we hit the one year mark since Mark died.

I was in the walk in yesterday to get a prescription refilled and the doc asked me about my mood… I told him about my husband, we had a conversation about how the one year anniversary is an emotional time and so given that I’d lost my husband, I should give it more time past the one year and check in with my doctor about my mood.

I told him that no, I haven’t lost my husband, I know exactly where he was….

Yep – morbid sense of humour.

My mood is not really stable – its stable-ish with a side order of mood swings. I’m functional with occasional leaks.

There is so much amazing stuff happening in my life right now, which makes me VERY happy, and full of joy, combined with the grief of losing Mark and all our dreams for the future… which makes me VERY sad.  So my day can go up and down without warning.

I hurt for my kids especially today.  The older two are dealing with the lost of their Grandpa as well as two Dad’s…  My younger two are dealing with the loss of their Dad… and while everyone else in “spoil Dad” mode… we’re just having another day.

And I’m sad for my kids. I want so much to take the hurt away from them…. My oldest is becoming a Dad and he doesn’t have his Dad to  get advice from – I hope that he got enough through example that he can have “conversations” with him and know what Mark would have told him.   My daughter is such a Daddy’s girl… I hope that her boyfriend will be gentle with her today… hug her and love her lots.

And my boys… I am so sad for them because they do not get the blessing of having been raised to adulthood by Mark.  My older two were – but I hope that there was enough influence that they take his example with them through adult hood.

Mark was the yin to my yang.  We balanced each other out and together were a wonderful parenting team.  Without him I am less balanced… but I do my best.

Happy Father’s Day… to all those father’s in our hearts…

 

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One thought on “Happy Father’s Day!!

  1. 1writeplace says:

    Be good to yourself today. Hugs.

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