I’ve started re-reading the notes I took, the chronicles of the 159 days Mark spent in the hospital.
It makes me cry. A lot.
I’ve had 2 separate people ask me… why? Why do you want to relive those days? Why do you want to remember him like that?
I don’t want to remember the scary moments. I don’t want to focus on the sadness.
Why I need to remember those 159 days is because of the blessings.
What, you might ask, could POSSIBLY be a blessing? What could there POSSIBLY be in those painful, stressful moments that would be worth remembering, worth reliving, worth thinking about? Why wouldn’t I just choose to remember the times before? The birthdays, the Christmas’s, the celebrations where he was truly WITH us??
Each moment past midnight January 23, 2012. Each moment past the point of being told that he had a 5-7% chance of survival.
The moment he opened his eyes for the first time and really truly SAW me.
The moment I could only get his attention by asking if he wanted to see my boobs.
The moment he was able to talk to me and his first question was “WTF happened?”
The moment he looked at me on February 14 and said “Happy Anniversary” to me.
The moment he got out of the bed for the first time and WALKED out to the hallway.
Each and every single moment right up until he looked at me, with trust and love in his eyes and said for the last time “Take me home”
The moment he trusted me to listen to his wishes and tell the doctors that he was truly done.
The moment he was comforting me as I cried on his chest because in the morning we’d be turning off the machines.
Each moment that we got to love each other.
Those moments are worth remembering. Those moments are worth honouring. THOSE moments are what give me peace, what bring me joy, what makes it possible for me to keep moving forward.
Despite the pain, the sorrow, the sadness… there was incredible joy, incredible beauty and an incredible amount of love in those 159 days.
Those moments were a blessing. Those moments were worth remembering.
I was blessed with those 159 days.