Happy Father’s Day!!

Today Mark looks rough, he’s tired and keeps drifting off. Everytime he opens his eyes though, he gives me a super sweet smile. 

Kidney function is improving, lung function is doing well, and they’ve started feeds again. 

Had a ling conversation with his doctor about the measures we’re taking to help him recover and he assured me that we’re still doing everything in Mark’s best interests. 

He is optimistic for Mark’s recovery. 

Surgery today for a wash out and change of sponges. 

Good news, Mark is well enough to be in a double – he doesn’t need one on one care.

This was my Facebook status update for Father’s Day (June 17) 2012.

I find it hard to believe that it has been almost a year.  On Father’s Day 2012 – we still expected him to get better.  He’d had some serious setbacks, but being in a double meant that there was one nurse for two patients.  This meant that while he was still in ICU – he didn’t require as much care as the sicker patients.  He was getting better.

My Dad died in April 2011.   This Father’s Day marks the second without my Dad, the first without my husband/father of my kids and the last of the firsts before we hit the one year mark since Mark died.

I was in the walk in yesterday to get a prescription refilled and the doc asked me about my mood… I told him about my husband, we had a conversation about how the one year anniversary is an emotional time and so given that I’d lost my husband, I should give it more time past the one year and check in with my doctor about my mood.

I told him that no, I haven’t lost my husband, I know exactly where he was….

Yep – morbid sense of humour.

My mood is not really stable – its stable-ish with a side order of mood swings. I’m functional with occasional leaks.

There is so much amazing stuff happening in my life right now, which makes me VERY happy, and full of joy, combined with the grief of losing Mark and all our dreams for the future… which makes me VERY sad.  So my day can go up and down without warning.

I hurt for my kids especially today.  The older two are dealing with the lost of their Grandpa as well as two Dad’s…  My younger two are dealing with the loss of their Dad… and while everyone else in “spoil Dad” mode… we’re just having another day.

And I’m sad for my kids. I want so much to take the hurt away from them…. My oldest is becoming a Dad and he doesn’t have his Dad to  get advice from – I hope that he got enough through example that he can have “conversations” with him and know what Mark would have told him.   My daughter is such a Daddy’s girl… I hope that her boyfriend will be gentle with her today… hug her and love her lots.

And my boys… I am so sad for them because they do not get the blessing of having been raised to adulthood by Mark.  My older two were – but I hope that there was enough influence that they take his example with them through adult hood.

Mark was the yin to my yang.  We balanced each other out and together were a wonderful parenting team.  Without him I am less balanced… but I do my best.

Happy Father’s Day… to all those father’s in our hearts…

 

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Grandbaby!!!

I got news today that in January 2014 I will be a Gramma.

I am OVER THE TOP EXCITED about this!!

I have had serious baby lust for several years now as my boys have grown older and moved past the baby/toddler stage.   I have been shot down… he felt too old.  There was no guarantee we’d get a girl.  He didn’t really have the energy for a little one.   Wait for grandkids, he said.

So I let the dream… fall to the wayside.    I let it go.  In my heart, my family has not felt complete, but with all his health problems… I knew it was for the best.

So together we dreamed and planned and looked forward to the day where we’d be Gramma and Grampa.

And then he got sick and died.

I didn’t let go of the dream of having a grandbaby – but I didn’t think about it much.   After all – I have 2 boys to raise to adulthood and my older kids are in the middle of persueing their dreams.   Grandbabies didn’t seem like they’d be in the works anytime soon.

This morning, I got a text from my oldest son’s fiance…. a picture of a positive pregnancy test.

In the space of 30 seconds, I rapidly cycled between elation (YAY BABIES!!!) to deep sorrow that he couldn’t be here to celebrate this with me.

This is something we were supposed to do together.

The news was slightly bittersweet.   A few tears escaped… joy? sorrow?  I wasn’t sure.  But overall – the pervasive feeling is one of joy, elation, excitement and impatience.

I want to meet my new grandbaby, dammit!!

I am hoping there will be something to honour Mark in the baby’s name…but if not, that’s their choice – they have plans and hopes and dreams for their child.

But I get to spoil that baby rotten…. 😀 And then give him/her back to his/her parents, after 😛

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The babydaddy – 1 year old 🙂

Lachrymose

There’s a word for how I feel.

I didn’t know.

lach·ry·mose

[lak-ruh-mohs] adjective

1.suggestive of or tending to cause tears; mournful.
2.given to shedding tears readily; tearful.

I don’t do a *lot* of crying, or a *lot* of weeping, but I do feel tearful and mournful a lot of the time.

Its usually just sitting below the surface, waiting for something to break the bubble and the tears will flow.

I had a hard time explaining it to people – how I was feeling.  Now… there’s a word.

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