Present Tense

You know those friends?  The ones who knew you as a part of a couple?

The ones who you refer to as part of a couple?

I had dinner with one of those couples tonight.

The ones who knew me as MarkandJane.

The ones who I socialized with Mark with.

The ones who Mark and I met as a couple.

And we had a lovely dinner.  I really really enjoy their company.

And found myself referring to Mark in the present tense.

“Mark likes…”

“Mark is…”

“We have lived here for…”

I had a lovely dinner.  Love them.  They’re awesome people.  Too bad they live so far away.

But I kept referring to Mark in the present tense.  As if he was still in the hospital or at home with the boys or just unable to make it to dinner.

It’s like my brain couldn’t comprehend that he wasn’t alive – that he was really dead.   It was incredibly disconcerting and left me feeling odd… when I noticed I’d correct it – but it was just out of…. sync with my life now.

I miss him.  The more I pack to move, the more I miss him.

It was just really really odd….

January 2010 036



2 thoughts on “Present Tense

  1. Bonsai says:

    I have found that moving out of the townhouse we shared helped me immensely. Time also helped. I’m a different person than I was in January when my Mark passed away. I still miss him, and I will always love him, but I’ve been able to move on… and heal… and date someone who means a lot to me.

    I hope you find peace. Your blog is an inspiration to me.

  2. 1writeplace says:

    Almost 4 years later, I still do this when talking to certain people. My mom always chuckles, she loves it.
    Take care,

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