Feeling Out Of Control

In 3 weeks, I pick up and pack the moving truck that will move me away from here.

In 3 weeks, I will do a final walk through of this house that has been a part of my life for 26 years and hand over the keys to my past and my memories.

In 3 weeks, I will walk away from the life I had with Mark, to start a new life with Mike.

I am both excited and apprehensive about the next 3 weeks.

I love Mike.  I am IN love with Mike.  I am looking forward to my life with Mike.

And I miss, oh so terribly, my life with Mark.

I was talking to my Mom today – trying to explain to her how no matter what, I will always be a widow.  Even if I marry Mike, I will still be Mark’s widow.  That will never change.  That is forever and always part of me.   The grief is forever and always part of me.

It doesn’t matter where I am, what I’m doing, there’s a part of my heart that is forever sad.  It is forever broken, forever laying on my floor, crumpled in a heap because he’s dead.

And that’s ok.

That part of me allows me to sit beside another wife while her husband’s machines are turned off, while her husband takes his last breaths.

I am not broken, but at the same time, I’m forever broken.

Kintsugi

My life, right now, has no routine.  No stability.  No sense of peace.

I get home, I struggle with dinner plans, I struggle with boys’ routines, I struggle with time for myself, I struggle to find time to write, I struggle with all that still has to be done.

Sometimes, I can focus on the little things that need to be done – dishes, floor, walk the dog – and sometimes, I just sit on the couch and play Candy Crush Saga until I’ve run out of lives and then I switch to the stupid Jewels game that Mike got me addicted to.

But my life feels out of control and I want that sense of order back.

I went to Walmart with my friend Kathy last night – it was craft night, and a lot of craft nights we’d gone to Walmart to come back – and Mark would be there with Bailey’s latte’s… kids would be on their way to bed… and he’d be there to chatter with us.

I sat in her car and said “I can’t believe he’s not in there.  I can’t believe he’s never going to be there again.  I can’t believe he’s really dead and that I’m going to go into that house without him there”

And that’s the crux of it all.  I’m living a life where on one hand, I should be coming home to my husband and the plans and the life we had.  On the other hand, I’m looking forward to moving in with Mike and starting our life together.

It’s very… disconcerting… knowing that I can’t have both of them.  Knowing that I had to give up one in order to have the other.

And especially knowing that I wouldn’t be able to choose.  I want them both.   But I only get to have Mike.  I already had my life with Mark… now its time for Mike.

I’m still working on acceptance that my life’s path really has taking this turn.  I am excited to see what’s down it… I’m just still confused as to why I couldn’t keep going down the path I was on.

PLOT TWIST

 

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4 thoughts on “Feeling Out Of Control

  1. I am sorry Mark is gone. I am glad that Mike has come to fill that companionship. My hope is broken and I don’t think in my case regardless of my prayers and deep hurt that there will be a “mike” that comes along in my case, but I rejoice and suffer with you. Love to you, and for your hope.
    Leah xxoo

  2. i too feel that i’ll be forever a widower. i also totally relate to your lack of focus. that is absolutely my life. so many half done things. so much stuff around. work, playing with the dog and run/swim/bike workouts with some meals in there at various points.
    good luck with the move. take it slow and breathe.
    thanks

  3. Patti Hall says:

    I’m with Leah & zen; no more for me. I am soaking in a pity party on the 4th year and day (can’t call in an anniversary) that my Paul died, Hard night, but hanging with others in the same’ish boat is good. Take care and I hope you gain your balance soon.
    Patti

  4. Rihana says:

    Oh God……this is hard so hard he died on the 8th of April this year….what the hell just happened? I’m angry confused it hs birthday on Tuesday….what am I supposed to do? I’m not even there for our kids – four of them 15, 13, 4 and 2………..

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