There’s a special kind of hell for relatively new widows who have to pack up their homes and move.
After the first year, I figured… I got this covered. I’ve got it handled. I’m good. I’ll grieve and cry as the reminders come up but overall – I’m moving forward.
And then came the packing and moving.
The problem with packing your stuff is that you’re forced to go through everything. You’re forced to touch everything. You’re forced to move everything from the place it has sat for the past 14 months.
Everything has a memory. Everything has a feeling. Everything is a trigger.
I have no problem with decluttering and packing the things that mean nothing. The things that had a number on them, a grocery list, that were given to him but he never used or wanted and didn’t know what to do with.
It’s the fact that all that stuff is interspersed with the stuff that DOES mean something. I have to pick up everything to see if it IS worth keeping or not.
I have to open the notebooks not knowing if they’re going to be a record of his weight and cardio tracking when we were doing Body for Life or if they’re going to be a random note about how much he loves me (I keep desperately hoping that I’ll find one of those)
I have to touch things that were his deceased mother’s not knowing if I should keep them for my children, or if I should pass them back to his sister.
I have to find a place to put all this stuff.
Does it belong in the big box? Do I have or should I buy a small box?
Somehow putting things in a cardboard box seems just … but it doesn’t matter what the stuff is in.
In my logical brain – this is clutter. In my heart – this is Mark. And the more I get rid of Mark, the more painful it is.
This move is going to be good for me. It’s going to be good for my kids. I am so looking forward to building a life with a man I love. I have been blessed to find love again.
But holy fuck is it hard, and painful, and sad.
I miss Mark. I need Mike.
And this morning I noticed a text from Mike that made me smile enormously…. This song by Steve Earle.
I am so lucky, so blessed, so fortunate.
And we’ll get through this – both of us will get through the stresses and the griefs and the sorrow we’re going through… and we’ll get through it together…