I’m that person you WANT in a crisis. I will navigate painful, emotional, rocky waters like a boss. I will be the person who’s still standing tall when everyone else around has crumpled. I will take notes, remember details, and make sure the i’s are dotted and the t’s are crossed.
I am that person that holds everyone else up until they can stand on their own. And then I stay just a little longer to make sure they’re really stable and steady.
And everyone looks at me and says “OMG you’re so STRONG”
And as everyone else is finding their own inner strength, they all walk away, in their good moods, happy that life is stable again. Or simply capable of dealing with the shit.
And they look at me, laying broken in a pile on my floor, crying and wonder… “WTF?”
They can’t figure out why, when everything is so wonderful now, when things are going better, when everyone else seems to be happy, I’ve fallen apart.
Why I’m grumpy.
Why I’m sad.
Why I’m crying.
The problem with being strong is that eventually I need to have those breakdowns, too. I need to release the emotion I’ve kept in a tight little box because it’s grown and it’s now overwhelming me.
I can’t do that until it’s safe to do so. Until someone else is strong enough to hold me up. Until someone else can take care of the details for me while I lay broken on the floor.
But the problem with being strong is that everyone is confused when I do that. They don’t get it. They don’t understand why, after being so strong for so long, after being everyone’s rock, that I’ve fallen apart. After all, things are good now. What is there to fall apart over?
But that’s the only time I can do it. I can only fall apart if there’s someone who can stand with me while I lean on them like everyone else leaned on me during the times of crisis.
Things are going really freaking good right now. Things are awesome. A lot of stresses have been resolved, or are in the middle of being resolved and we can see the end, and others can be strong for themselves.
And I’m falling apart because it’s a safe time to do so.
I just don’t know if I can lean, or if I’ll end up picking myself up off the floor later. I haven’t tested that yet. I’m still trying to be strong for everyone else.