Skittering Away….

I’m 15 months out now.

When I think of my life, I think that things have really changed, that life is good, like things are heading in the right direction.

And they are.   Things ARE good.  Things ARE heading in the right direction.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m 15 months out.

I’m in my second year of being a widow.  My second year of life without Mark.    I do a very good job of putting the grief into a box.

But I find it’s affecting me in ways I didn’t expect.

I’m triggered easier.

And the one I notice the most is that other people’s grief hurts me.  Regardless of my emotional attachment to the person grieving or the person they lost (or are losing) their grief hurts.

I find myself (especially on Facebook) sending out a quick little ❤ or a (((HUGS))) and then shying away from it.

I feel like I’m water on hot oil in a frying pan… skittering away from the source of the pain.

It’s not who I am.  I want to love them.  I want to be there for them.  But as soon as I read about their pain and their loss, I’m skittering away..

It hurts.   I hurt for them.   I hurt for me and for my loss.

Angel

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2 thoughts on “Skittering Away….

  1. InstantWidow says:

    Yes. At this point it is difficult and painful to see/hear/be around anyone else who is in some form of pain. You’re still to raw and still too deeply grieving over the gigantic loss in your own life. This is the part people don’t understand … we didn’t just lose our husbands – we lost our best friend, our teammate, our lover, the life we created in that partnership, the future we dreamed of … we also were displaced – no longer a wife, suddenly a single parent, and somehow we became a social discomfort to everyone around us. And let’s not forget how we absorb the pain of all those around us … our children, our in-laws, our own parents, our common friends, and even our pets.

    After thinking about all that, is there any question as to why you feel overwhelmed and find yourself hiding from the pain of others?

    I am at 21 months now. At times I am still bewildered that this has happened to me and my life. I have stuffed the entire experience (from diagnosis to funeral) into a big suitcase. In the begining it was all I could do to shove it in, slap down the lid, and sit on top to try to keep the grief contained somehow so I could function. Now I’ve just about got the lid closed and I’m reaching for the zipper. Some days I pull the zipper along and somedays the grief pops out and I have to struggle to contain it again.

    I have found that my success or failure is directly affected by my own health. When I rest well, eat properly, and take care of myself I handle things well. When I don’t take care of myself and/or allow too much grief/drama from the outside world to infiltrate my life, I do not handle my own grief well.

    I think I have circled back into a state of resignation and realization that I need to focus on my future and spend energy rebuilding a life for myself. No one but another widow/er can understand this. Hang in there. As much as I hate to say it, the passing of time is what it will take in order for us to adjust. We won’t ever “get over it”. But we will learn to cope. 15 months … 21 months … we are still counting and up to our necks in the muck of it all … we must have patience for ourselves. *hugs* Your “give a shit” button is worn out. Give it a rest. 🙂

  2. Jennifer Coombe says:

    You plucked the thoughts right out of my head…. ❤

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