What’s Fair?

I’m trying to find a balance in my life.   It’s hard to find balance.  Especially when there’s conflicting needs.

I had a good day today.  Spent some time with some adorable boys on a farm, got my son’s room completed so that we can move his stuff in there tomorrow, and had a pretty freaking awesome dinner.

Something triggered me.  I’m not sure exactly what.  I have a suspicion, but I’m not 100% sure.

The grief welled up.

The suitcase broke open.

And I had kids around and dinner to get on the table and lunches to make and boys to snuggle and a man to connect with.

So I tried to shove it back in the suitcase.

Is it fair to my boys for me to start randomly crying? with no discernable trigger?

Is it fair to my new man to greet him at the door with tears in my eyes?

Is it fair to everyone else, who seems to have no issues with the pain of loss, to remind them that he’s gone?

Is it fair?

I don’t want to bring my kids down.  I’ve read about they psychology of kids and how upsetting it is for them to see their parent crying and sad.   I don’t want them to feel like they have to nurture and protect and cheer me up.

I don’t want to ruin (I don’t know that that’s the best of words) my evening, which is so incredibly short, with my man as he gets home from work, to eat, shower and go to bed within an hour by crying over my deceased husband.

The problem is that when I push the grief aside, it comes out as cranky.

I had to apologize to my son tonight for cranking at him.   He, in all his wisdom, said to me “why don’t you just ask us to leave you alone for a bit? Or tell us that you’re taking some time?”

He’s so 13.  So wonderfully black and white.

At any rate, I’ll give it a shot and see if they actually give me the time I request.

But I’m trying so hard to be fair to everyone else…. I think I’m starting to be unfair to me.

Jan 2009 034

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3 thoughts on “What’s Fair?

  1. Patti Hall says:

    I hope you find some time to yourself when your grief slams you. If you don’t do so now, please try journaling. Not blogging, but private thoughts for your eyes only. I am just getting myself back to it and it does help.. Good luck and take care, be gentle with yourself.

  2. Ali Dean says:

    When you do choke it in & it comes out as cranky, talk to your boys. As you said, it’s more black & white for them. Let them know how hard it is and while you, and life, moves forward, it doesn’t ease the pain. Let them know that’s part of life. Don’t hide or shield them all the time but there’s a time & a place. They need to know its ok to be sad & express their feelings but they also need to feel safe and know you are their rock. Big hug!

  3. Jennifer says:

    I understand what you are trying to say.

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