I Want My Life Back

There’s this part of me.  This incredibly sad, lonely, hurting part of me that is curled up in a ball.   That has fallen into a black hole of despair and bleakness.

She’s crying.

She’s begging over and over and over…

“I want my life back”

I want what seems real and normal and natural.

I want the other half of my parenting team.

I want the balance.

I want the yin to my yang.

I want what is familiar and easy and uncomplicated.

I want my LIFE back.

She is the part of me that will never stop grieving.  That will never stop missing Mark.  That will never stop wondering what the FUCK happened?!?

She’s the part of me that can’t make sense of this new life I’ve been thrown into.

It hurts me, to give life to those words.  “I want my life back” because it suggests I don’t want the life I have.

I do.

I love Mike.  I love our life.  I love where I live.  I love the direction things in my world are headed.

But I can’t be authentic to who *I* am, to how *I* feel, without acknowledging that I do, indeed, on some level, want my life back.

I want Mark, and who he was, and how we related, and how easy it was to talk to him, and how after 14 years he KNEW what I needed and I didn’t have to explain or ask or anything but tell him that I was hurting.

But I wouldn’t be hurting if he were here.   And there is the crux of that painful acknowledgement.

I want my life back.

But I love where my life is and where it’s heading.

Grief is a nasty mindfuck.

I Miss You

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One thought on “I Want My Life Back

  1. InstantWidow says:

    I understand. What you refer to … Mark *knowing* what was needed … is what I call “having history” with someone. I have parents & friends & family that have known me forever and all it takes is one or two words or even just a look and these people know exactly what I mean, the joke I am making, why I am upset,etc. I very very much miss this aspect of my marriage. And it is daunting to consider having to build that kind of history with someone new.

    But at one time in your life, Mark was new, too. You deemed him worth the effort to build history together. Now you’re building history with a new person. I understand how weary you may feel having to “start over”. But life moves forward with or without us. Focus on what you have.

    Losing my husband has given me more of an appreciation for the people with whom I share history. They are truly a treasure!

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