Stuck Again….

I had started a blog post earlier…. Happy Thanksgiving… happy joyous occasion… blah blah blah.

And it was.  It really was.   We got time with the boys we hadn’t yet had – time at our house.

We had Mom’s here.

We had a day relatively free of conflict and fighting.

We had smiles and love and laughter.

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I have an amazing family.

Yet here I am… 11pm on Thanksgiving Sunday… wanting, needing to cry.

I’m hurting.  I’m sad.

And I’m stuck again.

There is so much GOOD in my life, so much AMAZING stuff and people and new family that there’s a part of me that says “What the FUCK do you have to be sad about??”

I miss him.  I miss Mark.

There was nothing in today to suggest remembrance… other than its a holiday and he wasn’t here to help celebrate it.

He wasn’t there to help cook.

He wasn’t there to take pictures.

He wasn’t there.

And in the middle of the night, with everyone else sleeping, I’m trying to make myself cry, trying to incite the tears so that I can have that release…

Because I miss him.  And he is worth my tears.

And I’m stuck.

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Life Is Short

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3 thoughts on “Stuck Again….

  1. Dianne says:

    I hear you, Jane, and I’m sorry. I hope the tears come and they provide the release you need. Is there a song that ‘gets’ to you? I have a couple that can always bring on tears when I need them. Pull yours up on YouTube and let yourself go. ♥

  2. InstantWidow says:

    Grief is not something you should feel guilty or ashamed about. it is a normal response to a god-awful event. We never “get over” it. We learn to cope. I hate the term “new normal” because it implies that we are “cured” and start aa “new” life. We don’t. We continue to live our lives but are required to adjust our circumstances. You are doing that. It takes time. Just keep breathing and walk through one day at a time. Thursday will be 22 months for me. I still have troubles and I still miss him greatly even if he was an asshole. He was MY asshole and I loved him in spite of it. Everyday I walk forward. Some days better than others. Have patience with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Stop tryig to race to some kind of finish line … there isn’t one. We’re never finished with grief. But it does get better. *hugs*

  3. Christine Mulholland says:

    Please consider having a memory toast at your holiday gatherings. You are not the only person who misses him, and people just don;t know what to say. A few simple words of remembrance before the meal, an offer to others to add to your sentiments, and a toast to him acknowledges his importance in your life, and acknowledges that you are grieving and hurting, and people need to know that, You don’t need to feel alone. On what would have been my husband’s birthday, my children and out celebrated a memorial lunch at a restaurant. It helped so much to make what would have been a miserable day, a day of remembrance for how wonderful Peter was.

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