Giving Myself Permission

I get too wrapped up in how everyone else feels.

I don’t want to post things on Facebook about how much I adore my boyfriend because I don’t want my husband’s family to be upset or to feel that I’m disrespecting his memory.

I don’t want to post things on my blog about how much I love and miss my husband because I don’t want my boyfriend (who reads this) to get upset and feel like I’m not happy with him.

So I don’t write.

I don’t want to talk about my stresses and worries because I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like he has to take it on.  I don’t show my kids how upset I am because I want them to feel safe with me.

The result?

I don’t let myself grieve. I don’t let myself feel the joy to it’s fullest extent.  I hold all the feelings in until I’m just seriously angry and unhappy and it becomes a huge drama fest.

So tonight… I’m upset.  I’m in the middle of a grief attack or something (I can’t friggen stop crying) so I simply absented myself from it all.

I am sitting on the deck off my bedroom, with my laptop and a coffee, bundled up against the cold and oh so grateful that it’s not yet cold enough to freeze the tears as they fall.

And I’m giving myself permission to feel.

To grieve.

To be sad.

To be mad.

To just cry.

Because I don’t, normally.  I put everyone else’s feelings ahead of mine, and I end up being a person I don’t like.

Tonight… I am putting myself first.

If I don’t… My night and my family’s night will be miserable.  And I don’t want that – I want to enjoy my family.

I am allowed to grieve.  I am allowed to be broken.  I am not going to try to put the pieces back together tonight… I’m going to let myself fall apart until the sadness runs it’s course.

And then I’ll put myself back together.

But for now… I miss my husband. It hurts that he’s not here.  It hurts that I have to handle the issues that come up with our boys on my own.  For now… I’m broken.

Kintsugi

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Giving Myself Permission

  1. InstantWidow says:

    *hugs* you are not alone. I think we all have trouble figuring out how to grieve. No one wants to be a professional. LOL. So it’s reasonable to expect yourself to be shitty at grieving. I am, too. Like you … for no real reason … I have been struggling with tears for over a week. I don’t know why. And at this point, what the fuck does it matter anymore. I’m still hurting. It is what it is. Damn sucks, too. I understand. I have no answers … just a reminder … have patience with yourself, be kind to yourself, and try to love yourself. You are worth the effort. *hugs* (get your ass inside before you catch a cold)

  2. Bonsai says:

    I understand your dilemma. I have been there. For a while I didn’t post about my new boyfriend because I didn’t want to hurt those people who knew and loved my late husband Mark. And I didn’t want to post about Mark because I didn’t want my new boyfriend to feel like he was a replacement.

    So I would write infrequently and I would hedge on what I would say. At the 9-1/2 month mark, I decided that I just needed to write what I want and when I want and about what I want. I figure that people may not like what I have to say, but at least they know I am honest.

  3. Writing will make you feel better, which in part will help you be a happier person. Everyone will benefit. So the risk of upsetting people is one that will be worth taking. Also I am sure your new boyfriend knows that you still need to heal and maybe it will even relieve him to see that you are being proactive about processing your grief.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s