I get too wrapped up in how everyone else feels.
I don’t want to post things on Facebook about how much I adore my boyfriend because I don’t want my husband’s family to be upset or to feel that I’m disrespecting his memory.
I don’t want to post things on my blog about how much I love and miss my husband because I don’t want my boyfriend (who reads this) to get upset and feel like I’m not happy with him.
So I don’t write.
I don’t want to talk about my stresses and worries because I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like he has to take it on. I don’t show my kids how upset I am because I want them to feel safe with me.
I don’t let myself grieve. I don’t let myself feel the joy to it’s fullest extent. I hold all the feelings in until I’m just seriously angry and unhappy and it becomes a huge drama fest.
So tonight… I’m upset. I’m in the middle of a grief attack or something (I can’t friggen stop crying) so I simply absented myself from it all.
I am sitting on the deck off my bedroom, with my laptop and a coffee, bundled up against the cold and oh so grateful that it’s not yet cold enough to freeze the tears as they fall.
And I’m giving myself permission to feel.
To be sad.
To be mad.
To just cry.
Because I don’t, normally. I put everyone else’s feelings ahead of mine, and I end up being a person I don’t like.
Tonight… I am putting myself first.
If I don’t… My night and my family’s night will be miserable. And I don’t want that – I want to enjoy my family.
I am allowed to grieve. I am allowed to be broken. I am not going to try to put the pieces back together tonight… I’m going to let myself fall apart until the sadness runs it’s course.
And then I’ll put myself back together.
But for now… I miss my husband. It hurts that he’s not here. It hurts that I have to handle the issues that come up with our boys on my own. For now… I’m broken.