My Greatest Fear

Stupid me, watching PS I Love You.

Quick recap – it’s about the love letters a man left for his wife to be opened once a month after he died.

I love Mark.  I loved our life together.  I know that he wouldn’t want me to be alone.  I know he had a hand in Mike and I getting together.  I know that he wanted for me to love and live life to the fullest.     He and I had talked about that, many times.

Mike and I are awesome together.  I love him. He fixes the cracks in my broken heart by being who he is and loving me.

My greatest fear is that I will go through widowhood again… with Mike.  I’m afraid of losing him and having to go through the enormous, overwhelming, painfully torturous grief again.

I am a widow.  Regardless of where life takes Mike and I, regardless of what my legal relationship status ends up being…. I will always always be Mark’s widow.

I’m terrified of being Mike’s widow as well.   I’m terrified of having to go through Mike’s stuff and of losing Mike’s smell, and not ever hearing Mike’s voice again.

It’s not going to stop me from loving Mike and creating a beautiful life with Mike… but the fear lingers, in the back of my brain… in the deep recesses of my emotions….

How will I cope if he dies?

Tucked In MY Heart

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