Panicky Feelings

When does the panick stop?

After my husband had his heart attacks, I panicked for about a year.  The phone needed to be on my person and accessible at all times, there were numerous check in texts and phone calls and I stressed if I didn’t get a response from him or hear from him when expected.

After about a year, the panick slowly released it’s stranglehold on me.  I stressed less and less and learned to live with uncertainty again.

2 1/2 years after that – when we’re all “ok” my husband went into the hospital.  Again, the panick of not being able to be reached, the stress of having to keep the phone on me at all times, the worry that this illness or that illness will finally kill him.

And then he died.

My son is sick right now with influenza.   When I left for work, I could hear him snoring – I knew he was ok.   On my drive home for lunch however (this is a 5 minute drive, mind you) I started to panick.

What if his fever spiked and he died in the 4 hours since I’d left for work?  What if he was laying there and I never got to say good bye?  How would I handle my baby’s death? (he’s 12)  What if he was DEAD????

Not really productive – and my relief was overwhelming when I walked in my house and he’s watching TV in the basement.

But I want to know… when will the unreasonable, irrational panick stop?

He’s a healthy 12 year old boy.  I know that bad things happen to healthy boys – a friend of mine almost lost her son to an unidentified brain infection.

My husband’s illness and passing was not expected.

Healthy people get sick and die suddenly.

I want to move past that panick.  I want to not wonder if my child is DEAD because he’s got influenza.

Friends who are on the same journey – how long before the panick subsides? How long before my child with a fever won’t have me worried that he may not survive?

How long before I can breathe easily?

Death Leaves A heartache

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One thought on “Panicky Feelings

  1. Learning To Fly says:

    I don’t know if you ever stop. I have been widowed five years and he died unexpectedly. Our daughter wasn’t quite two when he died and I still worry. I just had a baby and the father left us. I worry. I worry that I did something wrong to deserve this. But what I came to realize is I worry about everything in the extreme because I care. Because I’m too afraid to lose again but in this case that father had no intention of being a father to this baby, to my baby or a husband to me. We love deeper and stronger than most because we suffer a loss that never “goes away like people tell us”. Time doesn’t heal us it teaches us to cope better. That’s all. We will always panic and go watching our kids breathe but in the end the people who love us get a richer, deeper more raw love because we know loss better than they will. Hugs. It’s one day at a time. No more.

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