Eighteen Months

I find it hard to believe that it’s been almost 18 months without Mark.

The days leading up to the 26th are always especially poignant, particularly painful, but for some reason, these days seem harder.

Christmas maybe?

I don’t know.

What I know is that it is 2am, my boyfriend is snoring beside me, my eyes are burning with the need to sleep but my body won’t shut down.

It’s not for lack of trying.

I’ve closed my eyes. I’ve tried to fall asleep.  I’ve done deep, meditative breathing.

My body just won’t fall asleep.

And then there’s the man snoring beside me.

No matter how many times I get him to roll over, within minutes, he’s facing me again, snoring.

And not gentle snores.  *sigh*

But I’m coming up on 18 months.  I’m determined that this will be a wonderful, cheery Christmas.

That the tears won’t overwhelm me.

That the pain won’t consume me.

I won’t be alone this Christmas – my daughter, my two youngest sons, my step sons and my boyfriend will all be here.

It doesn’t change the facts.   This is the 2nd Christmas without him.  Another milestone.

I’m curious why it seems harder as time goes on?  Shouldn’t it be getting easier?  These “dates”?

I wish I could sleep.  That… that would just be perfect.  I have a 9am appointment tomorrow – I need sleep.

Eighteen months.   It seems like a lifetime.  It seems like yesterday.  I still look around wondering WTF happened to my life…

Life Is Short


One thought on “Eighteen Months

  1. Sloane says:

    Hi I stumbled upon your blog today and was immediately reeled in to continue to read. I wanted to ask for prayer. My name is Melissa. I live in Texas. My awesome husband Jeffrey went to be with Jesus on October 5th, 2013, after a very courageous and valiant battle with an extremely rare form of cancer, only diagnosed this year. We were married for six years, three months, and 28 days. He was my best friend and I feel so lost without him. My comfort and peace I have is that I wake up every day knowing Jeff isn’t in pain any more, and is now happy, healthy, and whole with Jesus for all eternity. I know the next time I see Jeff, he won’t be in his sick earthly body. But I am here, trying to deal with the physical and emotional aftermath of being his constant caregiver for the last 11 months.

    I’m asking, and need in order to move forward, for the Lord to be more present and tangible here for me than ever before, as I face my first Christmas without my husband. I feel like I don’t fit in or belong anywhere. The pain is raw and it sometimes literally hurts to breathe. I have not been able to stop crying this week, as the closer it gets to Christmas. There is such an agonizing battle behind the smile. Please pray for me, and if you would, ask any praying friends you may have to pray for me as well. Thank you, and thank you so much for using your heart to reach people and God bless you! Prayers for you and your family a peaceful, joyful, and warm Christmas season this year!

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