My heart is breaking today.
It has been breaking for the past couple weeks.
I have had REALLY hard time getting into the Christmas spirit… and here it is Christmas Day and I’m alone again.
Last year, I was alone Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
This year, I’m alone.
I’ve talked to my mom, I’ve talked to a friend. I had a friend over for coffee.
But the kids are playing with their toys and I’m sitting in my living room, alone.
Staring at his box. Staring at his urn. Wondering how to stop hurting so much over the past and what’s gone and focus on what’s in front of me and the love and joy in my life now.
I want to just be full of joy and remember Mark with the love he and I shared. I want to look back on our life together and think of all the good stuff and be HAPPY about the time we shared and the path we walked together.
It was a good life. It wasn’t perfect. It was all smiles and roses. But it was good.
We had 14 years of learning each other. Of building a history together. Of creating a dance that was unique to us.
I would do it again, even knowing the outcome, the ending. I would again… move with him, marry him, have his boys. I would hold his hand and kiss his forehead as the life left his body.
I would do it all again.
I loved him, I LOVE him that much.
Some days, I feel like I’ve accepted it all, that I’m at peace with what happened and life is just good. Then others… the tidal wave of grief hits and I’m stuck riding the wave.
And I try to restrain it – try to control it – but I’m left in a worse position than when I started
I was told a long time ago that you grieve as hard as you love. I love him enormously. I grieve for him enormously.
It’s been 18 months tomorrow. My life has changed in so many ways. Some things remain the same.
I love him.
I miss him.