I’m Afraid

Not always.  Not in general.  Just about certain things.

My new man works a swing shift – 4 on, 4 off, days then nights.   He’s flipping into nights and this means that he stays up as late as possible the night before his first night shift so he’s not exhausted that first shift.

Usually he comes to bed around 2 or 3am.

Sleeps most of the day.

Goes to work.  And back into the night shift.

Last night, he kept himself up all night.

As in, I woke up alone.

I panicked.   Where was he?  Was he ok?  Did he fall asleep on the couch?  Was he still awake?  Did something happen to him??

That’s the real root of the fear – that I’d go to the living room and discovered he’d died while I was sleeping.

I didn’t want to face the fear of losing him.  Of being a widow (not that we’re married) AGAIN.  Of having to tell boys AGAIN that their dad had died.

I couldn’t face it.  So I went back to sleep for 15 mins more.

I woke up, and he still wasn’t there.

I panicked again.

And lay there, knowing I’d have to get up.  Knowing I’d have to face whatever was out in my living room.  Knowing that I couldn’t avoid it any longer because I either needed to get ready for work or tell work that I wasn’t coming in.

Yeah – my brain went there – the what would I have to do if he was dead out there.

As a side note – its amazing to me how fast my brain processes these thoughts.  The what will I do, how will I cope, who has to be informed.

All within a minute or two.

I got up – he’s sitting in his chair playing video games.

Relief flooded through me, and I immediately started berating myself about going down that thought process.

It wasn’t like I chose it though – it was just THERE when I woke up alone.

I kissed his forehead, got ready for work and sent him to bed.

I hate being afraid.  I hate fearing something that i have no control over.

I was, however, incredibly grateful to find he’d just stayed up all night.

Death changes you in ways you don’t expect.   Things I never thought of before, are now intruding into my thoughts and causing me to panick.

All because he died.

Life Is Short

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2 thoughts on “I’m Afraid

  1. Tara says:

    Late to reply here…but damn, I do the EXACT same thing and it absolutely freaks me out. Thanks for sharing that.

  2. sunnyjane says:

    Late response myself… yep. It’s freaky. I remember after my husband had his heart attacks it took me a year to get past that fear when I couldn’t reach him. I think this will take a bit longer…

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