For those of you following who are NOT in the derby world… benchmarked means that I get to play in bouts.  It means that I have passed the minimum skill set needed to safely play.

And I’m benchmarked as of today.

I want to be happy.  I really really do.  I want to have the *bouncebouncebounce* that I know is in there… somewhere…

I don’t.

I mean…. I do… somewhere… but I don’t.

I wasn’t sure if I should put this in my fitness blog or here.  As I wrote this … it became more of a widow blog than a health and fitness blog. 

So back to being benchmarked.  I am.  It’s exciting.  It means that next week, I get to go scrimmage.  In February I get to bout.  I get to wear a Gold Pain City Derby Girl uniform.

And I’m… just… flat.

I’m sad.

I’m depressed.

I’ve fallen in a hole that has sucked me in and is holding on to me so very tightly.

I turned 40 on Thursday – not a big deal.   I got a surprise visitor – VERY big deal and I was VERY excited.

We watched a few movies over the weekend.  Out of the 4 movies – at least 3 of them had death/widows/widowers in them.  Seriously.   Are you effing kidding me?

I cried myself to sleep on Friday night.   I cried at work on Saturday.

I cried while watching the end of one of the movies on Saturday night.

And today is January 19.   Exactly 2 years ago, almost exactly now, we were calling the ambulance for the ride that would take him away from us.

I am trying, oh so hard, to let the excitement of being benchmarked override the memory of him being taken away by ambulance.

I’m trying to be positive.

Why is year 2 so freaking hard?   The first half of year two was a whirlwind of new guy, lots of travel, move to a new town, adjust to living with someone new.

And now that 18 months has passed… I find myself falling into grief more and more.    My ability to disassociate is dissolving.   I can’t shove the feelings into a box anymore… they’re just coming out more and more.

And today – instead of being happy and bouncy and excited… I’m just sad and flat and I want to curl up into a ball and bawl.

I wish my man was home.  His snuggles help me to push the sadness aside… but I probably need to feel it… It just hurts.

So I’m excited, but not, about finally passing the skillz test.  Maybe when I can pull out of this depression I’ll have the bounce I was expecting.

Grey's Anatomy


Grief Is Like the Ocean

2 thoughts on “Benchmarked!

  1. Christie Martin says:

    It’s tough, honey!! So damn tough.

  2. Tara says:

    I understand completely… Wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I don’t. I struggle with reminders often. The two-year date comes 1-30-14. Material things I still have to “settle” but don’t really want to…still. An awesome man and best friend that I adore and who loves me that I can’t talk about this stuff with…
    If it’s any help, thank you for sharing your feelings here. I really do appreciate it. There is relief in knowing I’m not alone in how I feel.

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