For those of you following who are NOT in the derby world… benchmarked means that I get to play in bouts. It means that I have passed the minimum skill set needed to safely play.
And I’m benchmarked as of today.
I want to be happy. I really really do. I want to have the *bouncebouncebounce* that I know is in there… somewhere…
I mean…. I do… somewhere… but I don’t.
I wasn’t sure if I should put this in my fitness blog or here. As I wrote this … it became more of a widow blog than a health and fitness blog.
So back to being benchmarked. I am. It’s exciting. It means that next week, I get to go scrimmage. In February I get to bout. I get to wear a Gold Pain City Derby Girl uniform.
And I’m… just… flat.
I’ve fallen in a hole that has sucked me in and is holding on to me so very tightly.
I turned 40 on Thursday – not a big deal. I got a surprise visitor – VERY big deal and I was VERY excited.
We watched a few movies over the weekend. Out of the 4 movies – at least 3 of them had death/widows/widowers in them. Seriously. Are you effing kidding me?
I cried myself to sleep on Friday night. I cried at work on Saturday.
I cried while watching the end of one of the movies on Saturday night.
And today is January 19. Exactly 2 years ago, almost exactly now, we were calling the ambulance for the ride that would take him away from us.
I am trying, oh so hard, to let the excitement of being benchmarked override the memory of him being taken away by ambulance.
I’m trying to be positive.
Why is year 2 so freaking hard? The first half of year two was a whirlwind of new guy, lots of travel, move to a new town, adjust to living with someone new.
And now that 18 months has passed… I find myself falling into grief more and more. My ability to disassociate is dissolving. I can’t shove the feelings into a box anymore… they’re just coming out more and more.
And today – instead of being happy and bouncy and excited… I’m just sad and flat and I want to curl up into a ball and bawl.
I wish my man was home. His snuggles help me to push the sadness aside… but I probably need to feel it… It just hurts.
So I’m excited, but not, about finally passing the skillz test. Maybe when I can pull out of this depression I’ll have the bounce I was expecting.