Drowing…

I’m drowning.

I saw this post on FB:

Drowning

 

And it’s so true.

There’s this wordless scream going through my head… “HELP ME… MAKE IT STOP”

But no one can hear.

Even when someone says “are you all right? Do you need something”  The “I’m fine” comes out of my mouth faster than I can think to answer honestly.

Although it IS sort of honest.

F(ucked up)
I(nsecure)
N(eurotic)
E(motional)

Totally fine.

I’ve been fine since the day he got sick.  I got even more fine when he died.   And then fine hit it’s *finest* moments when I changed my life entirely.

Yep.

I’m fine.

Except I’m drowning.   And no one knows it.

And somehow I have to communicate that to my doctor, my counsellor and the psychiatrist that I’m going to see next week.

Somehow I need to communicate effectively how much I AM drowning and how much I desperately want to breathe again.  How much I want to feel GOOD again.

Without being flippant.  Without brushing it off.

Without just saying “I’m fine”

Because I’m not fine.  I’m not ok.

I want to be though.  I really, really want to be.

Grief Is Like the Ocean

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Stupid Triggers

WTF?

Being a widow sucks.

Having someone you love die on you sucks.

Being triggered by a freaking movie you’ve ALREADY FUCKING SEEN and you KNOW WTF HAPPENS sucks more.

Really.

Seriously.

Sucks.

I’m supposed to be ENJOYING this movie and instead I’m in a major panick attack and being hit by a massive grief wave over something that happens in it.

I’m almost freaking crying.

Over an action movie.

Seriously.

Being a widow fucking sucks.

Death sucks.

 

Dogs…

We got a new puppy.  Diesel.   He’s 9 weeks old, and a boxer/Australian Shepherd cross.

Diesel

 

My other dog, Bear, is somewhat less than happy with the new addition to our family.

Bear

 

Diesel is a puppy.  He wants to play with Bear.  He wants the treats.  He wants to assert his little puppy dominance.

Bear doesn’t so much appreciate it.  He doesn’t like sharing his bones or chew toys.  He doesn’t like sharing our affection.  He especially doesn’t like Diesel trying to hump him or play with his tail.

So Bear barks at us.

One of our things with Bear… we ask him if he wants to go outside when he’s misbehaving.  He immediately drops to the ground and lays down like he should have in the first place.

So my youngest says to Bear when he’s barking at us about Diesel… “you want to go outside Bear?”

Bear looks at him like… “No.  I want my life back the way it was.”

Poor Bear.  He lost his constant companion.  He sat at the bottom of the stairs in our house for months and months waiting for Mark to come back.

And Mark never did.

And when I came back – I was gone.  Mentally, emotionally… just gone.  I didn’t like my animals much.  I didn’t want to have much to do with them.

When I finally started coming back to loving my pets and wanting them around, I then uprooted them.

We went on a LOT of trips and then we moved.

Mike isn’t so much a dog person.  He has different rules for the dog than I do.   It’s a bit of a bone of contention.

And then we brought the puppy home.

It’s an adjustment for poor Bear.   He’ll get used to Diesel, but in the meantime… I’m trying to give him more love and attention to make up for the “aaaawwwwwwwwwww… PUPPY!”  reaction from all the kids (and me).

Diners, Drive-ins & Dives

Have you seen it?  It’s with Guy Fieri and he travels around checking out various places and their food.

It’s one of my favourite shows.

A couple years back, he profiled a food cart called “Fresh Local Wild” on the corner of Burrard & West Hastings.

When Mark ended up in the hospital – he was at St. Pauls – on Burrard Street – just up from Burrard & West Hastings.   The boys came down to spend the night with me and visit their Dad, so we walked down to find the food cart.

It was a Sunday – it wasn’t there.   But we had a good walk and ended up with a different food cart food.

We stopped at a fountain and I took pictures of them.

Andrew fountain Luke fountain

 

Overall – it was a fun day with them.

Last night, I’m laying in bed with Mike and watching Diners, Drive-ins and Dives… and the same restaurant is profiled.

And I could feel my heart breaking again… the hope we felt, the expectation that Mark was going to get better, that things would all work out in the end…

I didn’t know then how much my life would change.   I wasn’t aware of what we were about to go through.

I wouldn’t have done anything different than I did.

It’s funny how a TV show can throw you right back into that memory, right back into those feelings.

 

Sad Valentine’s…

My aunt died on Valentine’s Day.

She was unable to get out of her house when it caught fire.

Hug your loved ones just a bit tighter… you never know when it’s going to be too late.

I had meant to go see her before I moved – life and priorities got in the way.

I had hoped to go see her this summer – and now that won’t happen.

It's Too Late

 

If there’s someone you want to call, go see, or connect with… DO IT.  Don’t wait – you’ll only end up with regrets.

RIP Aunt Kym.   You were one of my favourites.    Always kind and gentle.   I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to come see you and spend more time with you.

You were loved.

Valentine’s 2014

Made it through.

Not that it was spectacularly hard to get through – I spent the day focussed on other things, and more or less enjoyed the day.

Found a dime from him – knowing he’s around today made it slightly easier.

And then… I found out my Aunt died.

And I just lost the good feelings.

Until my Metalhead Poet showed up at home… with flowers and chocolate.

I didn’t tell him – but it’s the first time I’ve gotten flowers and chocolate on Valentine’s Day.

It was a nice way to end the day…and now I’m off to bed.  Must get rested up for derby tomorrow – my first bout as a benchmarked skater!

I’ll be taking the memorial pendant with me – I so wanted Mark to be there with me, and I’ll take a piece of him.

Overall… Valentine’s 2014 was not overwhelmingly bad….. there were some lovely amazing parts to it… and some sadness.

Happy Valentines Day.

Valentines 2014

16 Years Ago

16 years ago tomorrow, Valentines Day, was the first time Mark ever said he loved me.

We didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day.

We were at work…  and it came out.

And we celebrated that day as the day we officially “got together” for the rest of our time together.

Even though we’d been together for 2 weeks at that point.

Even though he hadn’t *quite* left his ex.

We celebrated Valentines Day not as a commercially marketed “this is the day you must romance your partner” day, but as the day we first expressed our love.

We didn’t even celebrate Valentines Day that year.

To this day – I couldn’t tell you what day he officially asked me to marry him – but I’ll never forget the day he first told me he loved me.

We’ll ignore the fact that he broke up with me the day after…and then the day after that he woke me up with “I want to spend my life with you”

Because none of that matters now.

What matters is that we got to spend 14 years together expressing our love on Valentines Day… the day he first told me he loved me.

Happy Valentine’s Mark.  I love you.  I will always love you (I have Whitney Houston running through my head… And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-EEEE-IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU) and I am so grateful that you sent Mike to me.  I know you had a hand in him finding me again.  I got the messages from you that he was the right one, and that you approved.

I love you.

Valentines

 

Broken Heart