Are You Happy?

I’ve had some difficulties in my new relationship.  Nothing serious – just a lack of support where I need it – or more rather, support in a form that doesn’t necessarily FEEL like support although I know logically it is support.

He’s amazing and wonderful in so many ways.  He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he brightens my day even when he’s miserable.

And when I’m in a full blown grief attack – he doesn’t know what to do.

If I’m CRYING he’ll come over and hug me.

But if I want to TALK… well… that’s a different story.

He’s not an emotional talker.

He doesn’t know how to just listen – he wants to fix the problem.

He can’t fix the problem.   And if he could, well… that would create more problems.

The whole grief, I want to talk about how much I’m hurting, how I’m struggling thing…?  He has difficulties with that.

I admit, I moved REALLY fast with him – 7 months after Mark died, Mike and I got together.

14 months after Mark died, Mike and I moved in together.

We’re planning a life together and it’s been just over 20 months.

So the grief is there – especially given that it’s been so short of at time.

And all my friends are in other places.   I don’t have those friends here who I can just go for coffee and BE… whether that is good or bad…

He’s it.  He’s my one here.

So I went online last night looking for the support I’d found in the past online.  Looking for people who get it.

I had 2 separate people say “Are you really happy?”

Yes, I am.

I love Mike as much as I miss Mark.

I don’t love by half measures – and while the love is *different* because they are different people – the love is just as strong and pure and true as it was with Mark.

I am simultaneously very happy in my life and with my future as I am sad and grieving for my past and the future I’ve lost.

It’s a bizarre situation.   People further out tell me it gets better.

But yes, I am happy.  And I’m still grieving hard.

Turn On the Light

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4 thoughts on “Are You Happy?

  1. nicole says:

    I lost my husband 7 months ago, was invited to coffee by a man 16 younger than me, we had coffee, things got steamy… He told me we would go out the following weekend, now he doesnt want to be anything but a friend, I feel stupid, angry that I let my guard down, guilty that I went & got ‘steamy’ . When I had been on a good path, now I’m back off it feeling very vunerable again, & has spent the afternoon just crying.

  2. Patrick says:

    I met a fantastic woman about 8 months after losing my wife. It’s now been 15 months since I lost my wife and my new lady and I are still together. She is very patient and understanding but also did not know quite what to do during my breakdowns. We’ve since talked a lot about it and she has helped me a lot. I’ve told her several times that anyone getting involved with a widowed person must be very patient, tolerant, and a bit nuts. No plans on living together yet but we have talked about it. We take it day by day and aren’t rushing anything. It takes a very special person to stick around after hearing these words…
    I would take my former life back in an instant if I could.

    Be patient with your new man, it’s a learning experience for both.

    • nicole says:

      Thanks Patrick, I was married 31 years & very happy. I think I have just taken a step into the unknown & its frightening… I feel I have moved to fast now & made a fool of myself, he doesnt want to date. Next time, if there is a next I’ll protect my feelings much more. This widow thing doesnt come with a handbook, its hard!

  3. Patrick says:

    Nicole, dont be so hard on yourself. The unknown can be frightening but it can also be an exciting adventure. I too was married 30 years and consider myself a “couple” type person. I do best when part of a couple. Her death took half of me away. I’ll do much better when I am able to be part of a loving, trusting relationship again. But no hurry, I’m enjoying the journey.

    I slept with a woman a few months after my wife died and it was a mistake too but it also felt good. Humans need sex and intimacy. No shame in trying and when it doesnt work, try and try again.

    As I said it takes a very understanding and special person to become involved with a widow(er) and you’ll find out very quickly how a prospective partner can handle that. If it isnt right, move on. Dating at our age and in our situation is a tricky and frustrating thing but the alternative is worse. No risk, no reward. Have some fun with the dating and the sex, that what it’s for.

    Sunnyjane, I’ve been following your blog since my wife died and I found myself in this hellish situation. You helped me a lot and I have printed some of your blogs to have my new lady read because you had put my exact feelings into such good words. It’s helped her understand a bit more about me. All the best to you 🙂

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