Who Am I?

I’ve asked this question before – who am I now that he’s gone?

Its not about the “MarkandJane” portion of my life anymore.

It’s WHO’s JANE?

I start a job in a new place, with new people…and I wonder… do I tell them?

Right now I’m a woman living in a blended family with enough kids that everyone thinks I’m crazy.

I’m just another person in what is very much a normal family (except maybe the number of kids LOL)

But there’s so much of my life that is missing.  If I talk about my husband – people assume that we’re divorced – even though I don’t refer to him as my ex-husband.

I’m just another woman with an ex and kids.

Am I doing him a disservice? By not talking about him to my new co-workers when they talk about their lives?

Or is this just a part of moving forward?

Am I Mike’s girlfriend?

Or am I Mark’s widow?

All of the above?

Or none?

I don’t want those “looks” that I get when I explain what happened.   But I don’t want to NOT have him a part of my new life.  He’s part of me.  How can I NOT talk about him?

It’s so very confusing and seriously uncharted territory.

I said to someone that I want my life back.  She replied that we can’t go back… it’s about growth and evolution spiritually etc.

Yeah. I get it.  Move forward.  Grow.  Become a more enlightened being.

Just another fucking growth opportunity.

23 months and 1 day.   That’s how long I’ve been a widow.   I’m not ready to shed that status yet.

Coloured Memorial Tattoo

My Rings Are Missing

It’s been a while since I’ve worn my wedding ring or his wedding ring.

Yesterday, I was doing recycling.  This involves taking bags of sorted recycling to the bins, and emptying them out to the correct bins.

Each time I did that, it felt like I lost my ring in there.

Each, and every time.

My rings are missing… my fingers are naked.

I don’t understand the reason for this.  It’s a new thing – I’m used to not wearing rings.

But my rings feel like they’re missing…. I feel like I have naked hands.

Maybe I should start wearing jewelry again… I have some nice rings…

*sigh*

Today is 23 months.  One month until 2 years.   It’s really been almost 2 years.  I can’t believe it.  It seems so surreal.

Memorial Boys

Happy Birthday

It was your birthday yesterday.

It was a quiet day for us…. I put on your memorial video in the morning and watched it on the big screen… Luke & Andrew & Kadyn watched with me.

Andrew doesn’t really want to think about you being gone – I think he’s much like me in that he compartmentalizes what’s going on for him.  Put the grief in one box, the good stuff in another…

The problem is the box will eventually break open.

But yesterday was your birthday, and I had to bring you to the front lines of our life for just a moment.

I am so incredibly grateful for Michelle making that video.   For being able to watch it at any time.  For being able to hear your voice, your laughter, see your smile.

You brought such joy to our lives…

Perhaps our journey together was to teach you how to love, how to forgive and how to be a Dad… and teach me how to love, that I’m worth love and that it’s OK to love and let myself be loved.

Such a short time.   The hummingbirds that have come to me have shown me without a doubt that you are near, that you are watching.

I love you.  Happy Birthday Mark.

Mark's cake

Visits From Mark

The hummingbird has special meaning to me since Mark died.

I wrote about it in this post way back when this was all new and fresh.

I believe with all my heart that when a hummingbird comes around it’s Mark saying hello, it’s him letting me know that he’s still with us.

Coloured Memorial Tattoo

This is the memorial tattoo I had done for him.

Tomorrow is his birthday.   He would have been 51. Seriously.  51. Too freaking young to die.

This week – I have had a visit from a hummingbird on two seperate occasions.

I don’t have any hummingbird feeders.  I don’t have any hummingbird attractants.  But I get hummingbirds come visit me.

I love the little visits… the reminders that he’s still around.

It’s been 23 months.  I’m with someone new.  I’m building a life.

But I still think about him each and every day.

Love you Mark… always…

Memories

I had said in a blog a while back that I lost the keeper of my memories. Mark had better recall than I and whenever I’d go through various pictures, I’d have him tell me who what when where… but the recall rarely was triggered independently of him.

Until this weekend.

Driving around with Marja in Terrace, the memories kept popping up.

The place we used to go fishing.

The time the bear chased us across the Shames.

The place Kyle fell in the river.

The church.

The house we lived in.

The awesome farmer’s market we lived next to.

The house she lives in that we spent a lot of time at.

Her old house where I learned how to make garlic butter.

Euchre.  Gawd I loved playing euchre with them.

Ferry Island with the faces in the trees.

Hikng Terrace Mountain.

Where Video Update/Movie Gallery used to be.

Where the quilt shop was (it’s moved just down the road).

The mall.

The fishing store we spent so much time at.

The restaurant we ate frog legs at.

The cafe we had a date night at every week – I don’t remember what we were doing but we got a couple hours together every week and played triominoes.   No kids.  No worries. Just him and I.   I was pregnant with Andrew.

It was painful.  It was joyful.  It was so very lovely to immerse myself in memories, to just enjoy the feeling of the beginning of *us* and remember it with a smile.

The weather was perfect.

Sunshine-y.  Hot.  Everything that we loved about Terrace.   It wasn’t supposed to be – there was supposed to be rain.  But he was going back to the Shames…and we never went there on a grey rainy day.  Knowing that he was there with me on so many levels… being able to just enjoy Marja’s company…

I wish, I regret not going back before now.  But it is what it is and it was so very right being there this past weekend.

We had a good life there… even with all the first years learning each other and learning to live with each other, it was a good life there.

Good memories.  Good times.  And I’ve reconnected with people who were once very important to me.   And I won’t lose contact again.

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