I’ve asked this question before – who am I now that he’s gone?
Its not about the “MarkandJane” portion of my life anymore.
It’s WHO’s JANE?
I start a job in a new place, with new people…and I wonder… do I tell them?
Right now I’m a woman living in a blended family with enough kids that everyone thinks I’m crazy.
I’m just another person in what is very much a normal family (except maybe the number of kids LOL)
But there’s so much of my life that is missing. If I talk about my husband – people assume that we’re divorced – even though I don’t refer to him as my ex-husband.
I’m just another woman with an ex and kids.
Am I doing him a disservice? By not talking about him to my new co-workers when they talk about their lives?
Or is this just a part of moving forward?
Am I Mike’s girlfriend?
Or am I Mark’s widow?
All of the above?
I don’t want those “looks” that I get when I explain what happened. But I don’t want to NOT have him a part of my new life. He’s part of me. How can I NOT talk about him?
It’s so very confusing and seriously uncharted territory.
I said to someone that I want my life back. She replied that we can’t go back… it’s about growth and evolution spiritually etc.
Yeah. I get it. Move forward. Grow. Become a more enlightened being.
Just another fucking growth opportunity.
23 months and 1 day. That’s how long I’ve been a widow. I’m not ready to shed that status yet.