Who Am I?

I’ve asked this question before – who am I now that he’s gone?

Its not about the “MarkandJane” portion of my life anymore.

It’s WHO’s JANE?

I start a job in a new place, with new people…and I wonder… do I tell them?

Right now I’m a woman living in a blended family with enough kids that everyone thinks I’m crazy.

I’m just another person in what is very much a normal family (except maybe the number of kids LOL)

But there’s so much of my life that is missing.  If I talk about my husband – people assume that we’re divorced – even though I don’t refer to him as my ex-husband.

I’m just another woman with an ex and kids.

Am I doing him a disservice? By not talking about him to my new co-workers when they talk about their lives?

Or is this just a part of moving forward?

Am I Mike’s girlfriend?

Or am I Mark’s widow?

All of the above?

Or none?

I don’t want those “looks” that I get when I explain what happened.   But I don’t want to NOT have him a part of my new life.  He’s part of me.  How can I NOT talk about him?

It’s so very confusing and seriously uncharted territory.

I said to someone that I want my life back.  She replied that we can’t go back… it’s about growth and evolution spiritually etc.

Yeah. I get it.  Move forward.  Grow.  Become a more enlightened being.

Just another fucking growth opportunity.

23 months and 1 day.   That’s how long I’ve been a widow.   I’m not ready to shed that status yet.

Coloured Memorial Tattoo


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