June 25

To the powers that be who may be checking out what I’m doing using government resources – I’m just writing a short blog – nothing about work – just personal.   I’ll be off here in about 10 minutes.

To Mike, yeah I’d like to keep thinking happy thoughts, but the “at this time 2 years ago” thoughts keep coming back.  It’s friggen killing me. 

At this time 2 years ago – he said he wanted to go home.  He said he was done fighting, that he wanted to go home.  And when I asked him if he understood that that meant that he would DIE, he nodded and said he wanted to go home.

How am I supposed to ignore that fact?  How am I supposed to just pretend that today is another day?  It’s not.  

My sister-in-law told me last year that June 26 forever will just be about her husband’s birthday – that she won’t be thinking on her brother’s death – she’ll be focussed on her husband.

Fair enough.   Her husband is still alive.

For me though, this is the day when the end started.  This is the moment when my world shifted off it’s axis.   This is when I had to tell everyone that no, Mark was not going to come home.  There would be no retrofitting of the house, no renewal of our vows, no growing old together.

There was no more fighting.  He was done.

And today, at this moment 2 year ago, I looked him in the eyes, and I loved him enough to say “Ok.   I’ll make the arrangements to take you home.”   I loved him enough to let him go with love and peace and dignity and in a manner of his choosing.

I love and miss him every. single. day.

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