Death Vs Divorce

In a number of online boards, one of the most common “insensitive” things said to a widow is something along the lines of “I know how you feel, I got divorced” or “At least you don’t have to deal with seeing him anymore”

Because, yanno, death and divorce are the same thing.

Did you hear the sarcasm?

The anger that comes from that statement?

Death?  Divorce?

When you divorce someone, you choose not to be with that person.  You end a marriage, choosing that the person you once wanted to be with for the rest of your life is no longer someone you want in your life.   You always have the option of texting or calling or seeing or talking to that person.  That’s an option, whether it’s an option you choose to exercise or not.

When someone dies, that’s it.   You don’t get to hear their voice.  You don’t get to send them messages.  You hold on to those last few messages from them as if they’re gold.  There’s no option to go back.  No option to have dinner and rehash that last fight.  No option to have make-up sex.  Nothing.  It’s OVER.  DONE.  GONE.

When your spouse dies… you lose not only the person, but you also lose who you were… as in I’m not MarkandJane anymore, I’m Jane.  The Markand part of me is in the urn on my shelf in my living room.    You lose your future as well.   You see, I was supposed to have a 50th anniversary with him.  I was supposed to be a Grandma to his Grandpa.   I was supposed to be Mrs. to his Mr. Claus.   I was supposed to travel across Canada with him.   I was supposed to have a LIFE with him.

That was taken from me.  Ripped away in one tiny sentence.  “I want to go home.”

And that was it.  It was over.  The fight was done.   And within 30 hours, I wasn’t a wife anymore, I was a widow.  I was an only parent.  I was half of the whole I was before he died.

Death cheated me out of a lot of my life plans.

That’s not to say that my life isn’t good – but death took my choice away.  Divorce?  You make that choice to change your life.   When Mark died… I didn’t have a choice.

Death and divorce are completely different entities.   The defining point?  Choice.

I will forever mourn the loss of my husband, my future with him, our hopes and dreams.    Because I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I Miss You


2 thoughts on “Death Vs Divorce

  1. Bonsai says:

    That was beautifully written. As a divorcee of my first husband and a widow in my second marriage, I realize that there is no comparison between the two. I too, as a divorcee, used to think that there was; until MY MARK passed away in Jan of 2013. My life as I knew it and the plans that we made were toast. I didn’t get a choice. I didn’t get to say, “Wait! I’m not ready to be a widow!”

    Like you said, divorce is a choice to end a marriage. Death gives you no choice.

    I understand how you feel. And I understand your frustration. I’ve been in both places. Even tho my divorce was bitter and ugly and painful and heartwrenching, it pales in comparison to the death of a spouse.

    Find peace my friend.

  2. Sad says:

    What if you had no choice in the divorce? My ex left me for another woman. He preferred to be with her. They are living the life we had planned. I had NO choice. I constantly have my nosed rubbed in the life we should have had. And have gotten no sympathy from anyone as if it was my fault. She knew he was married and pursued him relentlessly until she won. Yes he has tons of money.
    I would prefer to be a widow.

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