I’ve been screaming lately.
In my car.
With the music cranked.
Gutteral, visceral screaming.
My throat kinda hurts… blarg.
I’m not sure if I’m screaming over my husbands death or the recent ending of what I thought would be my 2nd chapter.
I’m grieving over both.
The difference? If I *really* wanted to, I could go upstairs, and yell at my ex for hurting me, for leaving me with a broken heart… I can’t yell at my husband because he’s not here.
So I scream.
In my car.
Because I haven’t been able to cry the way I need to.
I haven’t been able to let it out.
He thinks I’m *over* him. That I’m easily moving on. I’m not. I’m just extraordinarily skilled at disassociation and putting feelings into a tiny little box.
Only problem is that the box for my love for him and my grief over our relationship ending keeps getting clawed open by the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes, the sadness and love emanating from him when I see him.
I’d forgotten what it was like to have a relationship end.
I miss him. Both of them.
Imma go out to my car and scream again.
Being a widow sucks. Being a widow and going through a seperation sucks.
Screaming sounds good right now.