Why Am I Grieving So Hard?

I had someone ask that the other day.  Why are you grieving so hard still?

And it occurred to me to stop and think about that.

Am I grieving hard?

Am I putting too much focus on my “widowhood” and my husband’s death?

It’s not the first time it’s come up.   It was one of the pivotal things that ended my relationship with my Chapter 2.  (who, btw, I still freaking love and I don’t know how to grieve THAT relationship).   It was asked of me when I asked someone why… why for the love of God did my husband have to die?

And I was thinking today…. would I change my life if I could?

I watched a movie last night – Predestination.  Good movie.  Interesting twists and plots.  Thought provoking.  Someone had a chance to change the outcome.   Would he?

So if I could go back in time.  To the summer of 2009… would I make my husband go to a doctor and have his heart checked out?   I believe the heart attacks were the beginning of the end. Between the meds he was on for his Ankylosing Spondylitis and his heart issues, I believe that’s what caused the pancreatitis that ultimately killed him.

So would I go back?

Would I change things, knowing it would change the outcome?

Would I alter the course my life is on… knowing I’d never get to know Liz or Dorine or Jennifer or Roxanne or have the opportunity to work at BC Wildfire or get to know my sister better or move to a completely new place or have Mike in my life or skate with the Gold Pain Girls or go to Camp Widow or meet all my widda peeps or go back to school to become an LPN?

Would I change that?

Who I am has CHANGED.

I like who I’m becoming.

I like the person I am, the woman who can fly across Canada on a wing and a prayer.  The woman who supported someone in fighting the Ministry, who helped 3 boys get into a stable loving home.

I like that I am finally getting my adult dogwood and going back to school and becoming a nurse.

I like that I’m going to get to help people.

I like that I’m figuring out who JANE is, not who MarkandJane is.

I don’t want to be MarkandJane.  I want to be Jane.   I don’t want to be MIkeandJane or AlandJane or DaveandJane or JulieandJane or AmandaandJane.

I want to be Jane.

I want my husband back.. the way he was before the heart attacks changed our life.  I want him back even after that.  He wasn’t sick.  He was strong and independant and determined.

But I want the life I have now, too.

I know it’s a futile exercise to think and pretend that he could just *walk back in* to my life… but I wonder… if I had a choice… would I change my life back?

The truth is…. I don’t know.

I miss him so much it hurts.  If I let the box open, the pain of his death overwhelms me.   But the joy of our life together… that’s been more prevalent lately.   Remembering all that was good and amazing.    There was some not good, and not amazing.  But what I miss most… (aside from him) is how COMFORTABLE we were together.  I miss knowing the dance steps.  I miss knowing the routine.  I miss the life we had together.

There was a lot of our life that was restricted.  There was a lot of our life that was limited by his limitations.

But there was a lot amazing. And I miss it.

But the reality is that I’m becoming someone I didn’t know I could be.   I found strength and joy in places I didn’t know they could exist.    I found a life.  I found a person I didn’t know I could be.   And I wouldn’t want to lose that.

There’s a lot of “I wish” still… but there’s a lot of “I’m happy with…” as well.

So would I change things if I could?   I’m kinda still on the fence.  I still wish he were here… but I like my life.

So yeah.

For some reason this was a hard post to write.  I miss him. I wish he’d never died.  But I’m happy with the life I’m building.

It feels a bit like a betrayal.



One thought on “Why Am I Grieving So Hard?

  1. Elaine says:

    Thank you for this. Beautiful, hopeful, realistic.

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