I’m Lonely

I don’t know how to live alone.  I don’t know how to be alone in the evenings without another adult to keep me company.  I don’t know how to live alone without a small child or two or three to snuggle and read stories to and do puzzles with and do bedtime routines for.

I don’t know what to do when it’s just me.

Watch TV?  It’s boring.  We’re in midseason hiatus.

Watch movies?  I’ve seen most of the movies I want to in the free ones and the VOD costs.

Craft?   It’s lost a bit of it’s lustre… I don’t know who or what to craft for.

School work?  Yeah… that’s coming.  I can start on math… it’s self-paced.   Or I could read the books that I have and get a jump on what I’m supposed to be learning.

Coffee with friends?   Well… they’re all busy.  With lives. *sigh*

Cleaning?  I live in a tiny 3 bedroom basement suite.   Guess what?  It’s clean.  And fairly organized.  And the clutter is getting less and less because I just keep decluttering.

Work out?   Can’t do that all night.

I miss my husband. He was good company.   We would talk.  We would craft together.  We would play cards.  Play games.  DO stuff together.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m bored.  I’m lonely.  And it leaves me restless, irritable and discontent.

Being a widow sucks.

There is so much I miss about him.   But his presence… that… I miss most of all.

January 2010 036

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7 thoughts on “I’m Lonely

  1. Molly Golightly says:

    I’m sorry that you are experiencing this, can I ask what happened to your husband? I haven’t read other posts of your blog so apologies if you have previously written about it, feel free to link the particular post if so. Being a widow would suck, big time, I can’t even imagine. But, I hope you have a good, or at least okay evening. Today I felt miserable, and decided that even though I feel that way, I’d make myself a nice dinner, an antipasto platter and have a nice bottle of red. NYE? so what, if I can’t be with my loved one, maybe I don’t wanna party. I’ll have misery and good food as my company. Just know you’re not truly alone in this world, some stranger on the other side of the world is thinking of you and wishing you a happy new year.

  2. Sometimes the silence is deafening, and the loneliness overwhelming. Know that you are not alone. I hate being a widow too 😦

    • sunnyjane says:

      It fucking sucks in a way being single never did. I mean – single was lonely… but widowhood? There’s no hope he’ll come back.

      • You’re absolutely right, there is no hope he will come back…and most times you’d give anything to have him back…
        I hope you find your way..standing strong on your own. Finding strength and courage to wake every morning and take every step in your journey. Remember there are those of us out there that understand your pain.

  3. I’m sorry you’re feeling so lonely. It’s such a difficult thing to get used to – being alone – after having a partner we love and have fun with. Do you like reading books? A good book can literally transport you to another world. Reading with some soft music in the background, a candle, even in the bathtub, can be very relaxing. A pet might also make you feel less lonely. They’re not the best for conversation, but they definitely keep you company and make you laugh. Another idea is calling or Skyping with friends. Also cooking. These are just some suggestions. I know how tough it is. We have to completely reset our lives after losing our husbands. Here’s wishing that the new year brings you more joy and less hurt. xo

  4. sunnyjane says:

    Thanks Niva. I used to be a voracious reader… lost it when he died… it’s slowly coming back but I’m having problems finding a genre that will transport me the way books used to.

    I think it’s the “what do I do now” that gets me, and not having any adult conversation. I moved away from my group of friends and am having problems finding that circle of support again.

    I hope that 2015 is full of amazing for you too 🙂

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