Maybe I Should Up My Meds

The problem with having a diagnosis of clinical depression along with grief is not knowing when what you’re going through is normal grief or depression rearing it’s ugly head.

I haven’t had any anti-anxiety meds in 2 1/2 months.

I dropped my dosage of anti-depressants 2 1/2 months ago.

I’ve been doing well.

I made it through Christmas with a smile on my face.

Despite a devastating action by my ex, I made it through New Year’s alone… not quite with a smile on my face, but happy none the less.

And the last couple days… since the old man in the store, since I’ve been vocal about what happened to my husband…  I’ve been sad.

I’ve been tired, fatigued.    I’ve been struggling to keep focussed.  I’ve been lonely.

I have been sort of reaching out – but as it usually is when I’m in need, no one was available.   I don’t mean that in any derogatory way – it’s just what I need and the universe conspires to keep me alone to work through it, usually.

There was no one to talk to, really.  No one who *got* it.

It’s my birthday in 3 days.  And in 6… its the 3 year anniversary of the day he went into the hospital.

So… I wonder… should I up my meds?  Or should I just ride this out and hope that when I come out the other side, I am not failing school?

In the end… it won’t matter… grief is grief.  I”m pretty sure this is just another wave, but the temptation to mask it with meds is SO strong.  Because if I can’t feel… then I don’t have to feel.

But if I don’t feel… I won’t… and it’ll come back and get me later.

Grief Is Like the Ocean

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