There were so many things my husband loved.
Things I don’t watch anymore.
Glee. Oscars. So You Think You Can Dance. Dancing With The Stars.
I don’t watch them because I want to share them with him. I go to tell him something, even after all this time. And then… the hurt hits. My heart hurts. I remember what I’ve lost.
After 32 months. I still get hit in the chest by the pain of losing him.
I’m deliberately watching the Oscars tonight.
I am on purpose watching a show that was something he and I watched together.
I am not wallowing, but I am letting the pain wash over me. I am breathing through the sadness. I am feeling it.
I have heard/read somewhere that in order to let something go, you must first have a hold of it.
I can’t let go of the pain, I can’t move past the pain, I can’t leave the pain behind if I don’t FEEL the pain.
The well of pain is deep and at times seems limitless. But I know as time goes by, as I move through each wave of pain, as I learn to swim in the deep ocean of grief… it becomes easier. Not consistently, but it does. There are times I’m drowning, but there are times when I feel the pain…and I let it go.
Slowly… I’m getting better at the letting go. Slowly.
In the meantime… I make choices as to when I wish to submerge myself in that pain… sometimes… so I can learn to swim.