I talked to a friend of mine yesterday.
She was there before Mark died.
She was there when he was sick.
She was there after he died.
She supported me when I decided to move to the middle of nowhere to be with my Chapter 2 (who hates that term)
The conversation was that I needed to do some work on me, because I need to get to a point where I’m ready to move forward.
That things with Mike didn’t work because I wasn’t ready to move forward.
I have to wonder… is she correct?
Do I see things with such a “widow’s outlook” that I can’t see how much I put Mark in front of everything else?
I don’t feel like I do. Not now.
Maybe I did? I don’t know that I do now.
I’m a widow. I’m a mom. I’m a student.
Not in that order.
I was a girlfriend. But I want to be a wife again.
How do I find the balance between girlfriend/wife and widow?
How do I honour my late husband and still plan a future?
I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. Well, I do. I just don’t know how to get it. I don’t know how to overcome the challenges I see in front of me. I don’t know if I CAN because it’s not all up to me.
But in the end… where I”m supposed to be… who I’m supposed to be with… will happen.
I will always be in love with a dead man. But I want a future with a live one.