Putting Him First

I talked to a friend of mine yesterday.

She was there before Mark died.

She was there when he was sick.

She was there after he died.

She supported me when I decided to move to the middle of nowhere to be with my Chapter 2 (who hates that term)

The conversation was that I needed to do some work on me, because I need to get to a point where I’m ready to move forward.

That things with Mike didn’t work because I wasn’t ready to move forward.

I have to wonder… is she correct?

Do I see things with such a “widow’s outlook” that I can’t see how much I put Mark in front of everything else?

I don’t feel like I do.  Not now.

Maybe I did?  I don’t know that I do now.

I’m a widow.  I’m a mom.  I’m a student.

Not in that order.

I was a girlfriend.  But I want to be a wife again.

How do I find the balance between girlfriend/wife and widow?

How do I honour my late husband and still plan a future?

I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. Well, I do.  I just don’t know how to get it. I don’t know how to overcome the challenges I see in front of me.  I don’t know if I CAN because it’s not all up to me.

But in the end… where I”m supposed to be… who I’m supposed to be with… will happen.

I will always be in love with a dead man.  But I want a future with a live one.

Life Is Short

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