There’s Something About Loss

There’s something about loss after you’ve lost a spouse.

Every small loss becomes a painful big loss.

And the big losses?  The “end of relationship” losses?  Those ones are devastating.  I don’t know how to deal with those.

I know he reads these…and I’ve tried to keep it out of my blog because they get thrown back in my face later.

The fact that I mention this on my blog will probably get thrown back in my face later.

But in the end… I’m sitting here, bawling, because I LOVE someone.  And that someone has broken my heart.  But blames me.  And I have taken my share of the fault.  I own my mistakes and my douchebaggery.  I own those.  I screw up.  I’m human.  I am not perfect.

And I love him.  But my heart keeps getting ripped in pieces.

And still I love him.

I have moments of listing all the things that I don’t want, all the reasons why it will never work and as soon as I see him, as soon as I am in the same room as him, sometimes even when I’m just thinking about him… the list just gets lost in the clutter of my mind and the only thing I can think of is “IlovehimIwanthimIneedhimImisshimIovehim” and that runs through my mind over and over and over and over and I can’t shut that up.

No matter how much I want to.

I want him.  I love him. I miss him.

We hurt each other.  We misunderstand each other.  We take each other wrongly.  We assume the worst of each other.

I want him. I love him. I miss him.

The loss… the ending.. the pain… its overwhelming because I *do* love him.  Enormously.

I can’t put him in a tiny little box in my heart.  It keeps fucking breaking open.

I put my dead husband in a box.  He stays there, mostly.   But right now… I am overwhelmed with pain and sadness and tears.

Because somehow… the loss of one… rips apart the boxes of both.  The hurt of losing one… destroys my defenses against both.

I’m in love with a dead guy.

I’m in love with a live guy.

And I’m alone and crying.

overfilled suitcase

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3 thoughts on “There’s Something About Loss

  1. connwin says:

    Oh hon. No “words”…. just <3. You know (I hope) you can call me anytime if you need a listening ear. Do you have my number?

    P.S. Reading one's ex's blog is kinda stalker-ish. So much for clean breaks.

  2. Karen C says:

    I am so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss and I really hope you can find solace in friends and loved ones. I just finished a really touching book I would like to share with you called “Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased” by Dr. Jamie Turndorf (http://askdrlove.com/). The way the author wrote this book really connected with me, she uses her own life and loss to educate the reader and show us not only that life after death is “possible”, it is “probable” She writes from experience because her husband died from an allergic reaction to a bee sting on vacation. She still communicates with him and it has helped her immensely. The book is therapeutic, hopeful and not a religious book by any means, this one is purely spiritual, and very comforting to read. I highly recommend it

  3. K says:

    so sucks to go through a breakup after being widowed. It brings back all the memories of losing my husband too. Just when I thought I had it together and then totally don’t. Even though I know it’s probably for the best…the pan is raw, unrelenting, and .

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