This may not be a huge deal to a lot of you, but it is to me.
It’s the first time I’ve been deliberately unmedicated in years. As in, I made a consious choice to be unmedicated. As in. I weaned myself off my medication and still have half a prescription full of them.
And I’m sitting here, knowing I have to study for my biology exam tomorrow, and realizing I’m dealing with a freaking anxiety attack.
Not over my exam – I’ll be fine.
But the generalized anxiety that I was hoping was gone forever.
It doesn’t seem to be.
It seems to be a permenant resident in my life.
I don’t want it to be. And I don’t want to be medicated.
I think back to the things that I could do to alleviated it, without medication.
And the things I’ve used in the past? Not available to me right now.
Sex was one of them.
Sensations were another.
Anything that would get me out of my head, in my body and centre myself.
And mostly – I got them from my husband. After my husband, I tried alcohol… I tried drugs… I tried many things.
But none of them were the same as what he did.
My ex? He was amazing at helping me get to a happy place.
Now… I’m alone… and anxious. And unable to get to my happy place, my centred place, my wonderful place of peace.
I miss that. The happy place. I miss him being able to reach over and pull me out of my anxiety.
And I am unmedicated.
I’ll find it eventually… But for now… I have to find my happy place on my own…and soon. I have a biology exam tomorrow.