11.30pm, June 25.
2012? I was sitting with the amazing nurse Robert. Listening to my son play guitar for his Dad one last time. Sitting with Adriana and… someone… fuck… I hate when my memory fails me.
Crying. The realization of the last night was overwhelming. Shortly after, I would go back to his bedside, and ask him… “If I asked you to try harder, to give it one last go, would you?”
And him saying no.
He, who would move mountains for me, said no.
He had used up his last spoon. He had no more. That was it.
And I cried.
2015? I am so very awake. I just want to sleep through the next 2 days.
Is it coincidence? Or syncronicity that my acceptance letter came in the mail today?
I don’t know. But today, I am overwhelmed with the memories of the silent passing of time. The last moments of his life. The night I got that many others didn’t get. The night I got to say goodbye. The night, that amazing, incredible night where, for one last night, I got to say everything I needed to.
Not many get that last night of lucidity. Not many get those last moments of clarity.
And for that…. for that I am grateful.