I’ve been in Squamish for the past 2 days.
Well, sorta. I’m an hour north of Squamish in the rain forest. There’s a massive fire up here and I’m part of the team that is working to put it out.
I’m living in a camp. It’s nice. Camping, but food is supplied and cooked, there’s showers and bathrooms, and a place to hide out from the rain if it happens.
But I’m *this* close to Squamish.
I went for a walk this morning before work started – sat on the river and meditated. Realized that this was one of the rivers Mark fished.
For the first time… there wasn’t an overwhelming sadness, a grief storm, there was only a tug of longing that made me wish I could be sitting there with him.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be camping right there? Quiet and peaceful and listening to the river?
I miss him. Every day. I don’t have a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or what our life could have been.
And I wish, every day, that I had gotten to share my life with him.
But I loved him to his last breath. And I know he’s still with me. I know he’s still around, checking up on me, loving me.
There was a post on Facebook by a widda sister who had someone tell her that “things happen for a reason” and a lot of the other widows agreed that that was one of the most insensitive, throat-punch deserving comments that could be made.
I believe that things DO happen for a reason. I may not like the reason. I may not WANT the reason. I may not SEE the reason, but there’s always a reason.
If my husband hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have reconnected with Mike. If I hadn’t reconnected with Mike, I wouldn’t have loved him and his kids. If I hadn’t loved him and his kids, I wouldn’t have moved to Quesnel. If I hadn’t moved, I wouldn’t have found the job at BC Wildfire. If I hadn’t had the job with BC Wildfire, I wouldn’t be in school. If I wasn’t going to school, I wouldn’t be working towards nursing.
Everything happens for a reason in my life. I truly believe that. I met Robert and Patricia and Ellen and they inspired me to be better, be more, be who they were for me. And because of where I am in my life and my job situation – I can be.
The relationship with Mike – I love him and I miss him. But there’s things *I* need to do, things I need that I don’t know if he can give me – at all, or just not now. There’s a reason we’re not together, I’m just not sure what the reason is. (yes we can go on all the reasons that things failed but they are not the *reason* why we’re not together. There’s another reason, a deeper reason why all the minor reasons caused the relationship to end) I want to get back together with him – but I think if that were to happen right now, we’d both end up miserable again. There’s some things we both need to do. My TimeHop showed me a status that I made a year ago about how grateful I was that he had the faith and the conviction that we’d end up back together. That he’d held on to that belief for so long. I have a hard time believing that he held on to that belief only for us to not end up together. There’s a reason for what’s going on right now. I just don’t know what the reason is, yet.
The broken-ness is healing, I think. I’m at just over 3 years, and a lot of the broken parts of me feel whole… some of them for the first time ever.
I don’t know where my widowed journey will take me – if I will always identify as a widow. I’ve met a couple widows who don’t identify as widows any longer. They’ve remarried and they say they are a ‘former widow’ because of it. For me, that makes no sense. But for them, it makes perfect sense. And so, I don’t know.
The view as I sat contemplating my world, my widowhood, my life….