Happy Anniversary to my Love, my forever 49, my sexxy redhead.
I spent a couple hours today at a waterfall. I have made it my mission to spread some of his ashes at places where he might have wanted to fish. I want to leave a piece of him in all the spots he would have liked to spend time at.
I feel closer to him beside a river. I feel his presence more than at any other time, when I’m by the water.
I stood on the shore of this creek, at the base of the waterfall, talking to him for about an hour. Yelling at him. Crying big heaving sobs that threatened to tear my soul out.
Asking, forever the question… WHY? WHY did he have to die? WHY did I have to do this on my own?
The only answer I can come up with is… so he didn’t have to suffer anymore.
He was in pain a lot of his last couple years. Especially with the heart attacks, the ankylosing spondilytis, and then the last 6 months in the hospital due to pancreatitis.
He hurt. All the time. Every day.
And I get to be alone, so he doesn’t have to suffer anymore.
I always said I’d take the suffering, take the pain for him. Well… I have.
I get to deal with, not the physical pain, but the emotional pain of not having him physically here. And in trade, he’s pain free. He’s not hurting anymore.
When I thought I was done crying, when I knew I was done yelling, I walked back towards my truck and sat beside the creek in the sun.
And of course started crying again. And as I was crying… not a hummingbird, but a butterfly stopped and sat on my bag. It moved too quickly and flitted off again before I could take a picture.
Usually he comes to me in a hummingbird; today he was a beautiful dark brown and orange butterfly.
I smiled… thanked him for showing me he was with me… and cried some more.
And the butterfly came back. Flitted around my head. Slowly enough that I could see the colours, feel his presence, wash over in the love. And just know that he was there.
I have been asking him for several days now, to come visit me. Show me that he’s there. Show me that he’s around. Begging him before I fall asleep to visit me in my dreams, wake me before he goes so I’ll remember him. And each day I wake up from a dreamless sleep.
He’s listening though. He just waited until I needed him the most.
Not a hummingbird, but a butterfly….
Happy Anniversary my Love. Thank you for the visit, the cleansing tears, and the beautiful afternoon by a waterfall.