Memories tearing at me…

I have been working close to Squamish for the past 2 weeks. The place where we met.  The place we fell in love. The place we raised our kids. The place he died.

The place I left when I thought I’d found my 2nd chapter.

And while I’ve come back here before… it didn’t seem to affect me the way it had before.

Now. .. the memories are ripping and tearing at me.

*blink*

Where we got married.

*blink*

He’s fishing at the river.

*blink*

He’s walking with our dog.

*blink*

We’re going for a family bike ride.

*blink*

Celebrating a friend’s birthday.

*blink*

The way he looked at me.

*blink*

The morning he had his first heart attack.

*blink*

His brother visiting.

*blink*

Teaching our daughter how to tie flies.

*blink*

Our children’s Christmas concert.

*blink*

Our life.  Our future.

The memories hitting me hard and fast in disjointed sepia and black and white and grey but with the vivd red of his hair….

*blink*

I am here alone.  Without him.  Living a life I never wanted.

The tearing at my soul… all the memories I’d shoved down into the box… he reality of *BEING ALONE*

I am jealous of my repartnered/remarried wid friends.  I am pissed off because the man who waited for me for 23 years gave up on us so easily

I am hurting because at the end of the day. … I go to bed alone and I was supposed to have a forever love and both of the men who promised to love me forever…. both left.

One by death.  One by choice.

And I’m here… alone… missing my life.  Missing my past.  Missing the future promised to me.

And the memories continue to shred my soul.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s