The Anger Surprises Me

After 3 years… the sudden onset (or maybe not so sudden, I just try to ignore it until it spills out) of rage.

The fury.

HE LEFT ME.

HE DIED.

Exacerbated by the other changes in my life… my job ending, career change, the ex moving out, my daughter moving to Edmonton…

And then the anger hits because someone wants something from me…

DON’T THEY GET THAT I’M BARELY HANGING ON?  CAN’T THEY FUCKING SEE I’VE HIT THE EDGE AND THEY’VE JUST PUSHED ME ONE LAST FUCKING TIME???

Of course they can’t.  Why would they?  I’m good at seeming OK.   At times, I genuinely am ok.  Sad about the man moving to his own place.  Angry at him for not fighting for me.  Excited about the change in careers.  Looking forward to a new challenge…

WTF ARE YOU DOING WHY WOULD YOU ASK ONE MORE FUCKING THING OF ME!!!

Yeah.  Just like that… happy… relaxed… slightly on edge… and *BOOM* I’m a fucking lunatic.

Let’s add in just over a week until my wedding anniversary, my period is about to start, I’m exhausted, I’m processing new changes, I’ve got money stressors (it will all work out, it will all work out) and teenagers.

But the anger surprises me… because it’s not their fault.  The fault lies in the situation which I have no control over.

He died.

He left (after I left him – but dammit he wasn’t supposed to LET me).

She’s building a life for herself.

The boys are growing up.

Can things just STAY THE FUCKING SAME long enough for me to catch my breath? Please?  Just for a while?

tired of being a fighter

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