My Widow Card

Someone I admire, I look up to, I have on the *teeniest* of pedestals wrote a blog today that resonated with me.

Especially given that I thought I had a chapter 2.  That I thought I had a forever love again.  And especially given that that ended and here I am, once again, on the eve of my wedding anniversary, alone.

Tomorrow I will go to a waterfall near where I am working and spread some of my husband’s ashes into the river that leads to the water system my husband so dearly loved to fish.

I am deliberately taking two people with me whom I have very little knowledge of who make me laugh while I’m at fire camp.

I’m on purpose not doing this alone.

I may cry.   That’s ok.

But the blog that was written – it expresses how I feel.  I am a widow.  I would have been a wife to the man I love, had it not ended. I would have been both.

I can love the dead guy, at the same time as loving the live guy.

I will not give up my widow card.

HIS LIFE MATTERED.  MY LIFE WITH HIM MATTERED.  THE PAIN MATTERED.

Everything I went through with my husband, through his illnesses, 6 months in the hospital before he finally died with me at his side… IT MATTERED.  And I will not pretend that he is replaceable or that loving someone new means I am no longer in love with him, or that the life I shared with him, the love I shared is irrelevant because I love someone new.

I am a widow.

At some point in the future, I may be a wife again.  I will still be a widow.

None of those facts exclude the other.

Take a moment to read Michelle’s blog.  She’s an amazing woman who I was blessed to meet accidentally in San Diego at Camp Widow 2013, and whom I am sad I won’t get to see in Toronto at Camp Widow this year.

I am a widow.  And I am not revoking my widow card.   Because that part of me MATTERS.

Well Loved 2014

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3 thoughts on “My Widow Card

  1. As always thanks for writing. I’m currently moving out of my home, making decisions over shared possessions I’ve put off for three years.
    Is there a Camp Widower?

    • sunnyjane says:

      Camp Widow is for everyone. Male, female, gay, straight, tansgendered, married, not married (legally), anyone who lost a life partner. Contact Soaring Spirits… it’s an amazing experience.

  2. […] I’m not.  I loved him for 14 years.  I was his wife.  I am his widow. He is not replaceable and I will not just put him on a shelf in the back corner of my closet and […]

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