… oh wait. No I don’t
I mean I do. I want HIM back. I want to feel his ARMS around me. I want to see his face when I kiss him into insensibility. I want to hear his laugh. I want to be bored to tears as he passionately talks about all things fish and rivers. I want him to sit with me and help me study for an exam on a subject that bores him.
But… I want all that NOW.
But… I wouldn’t have my NOW if he were alive still.
I want my life back… but I don’t.
It doesn’t make sense. I miss him. I hurt over him. I can have grief waves where his absence makes me wonder how I’ll survive another minute without him.
But I love the direction my life is going.
I love the options I have.
I love so much about my life NOW… and I wouldn’t have had it if he were here.
But I want my husband back.
But… I want to keep my life as it is…
It’s so conflicting… being on the verge of “LIFE IS AWESOME” while still being pulled by “BRING HIM BAAAACK!!!”
There’s so many weird thoughts… the missing him never stops. The memories still tear. The pain still haunts.
But the anticipation for the future beckons. The excitement for what will be is overwhelming. The world of “what will be” and all the possibilities…. I feel GOOD about what could be.
And I feel slightly guilty that I do.
I will always love and honour my Mark, my Love, my sexxy redhead.
I will always wish for a different outcome.
I will always grieve for the loss of what could have been.
I will always have trigger moments as things happen and life happens and he’s not here to share it with me.
But I will share them with my Chapter 2, whoever he will be.
I am excited about the possibilities of building a life with a new Love.
I am giggly with anticipation with the “what could be’s” with … someone… whoever that may be… who wants to share my life with me, and let me share their life with them.
I look forward to being someone’s last love, or someone being mine.
I’ve been someone’s last love. I have loved until death parted us…and I will always love… and I will love again.
Learning to be alone? Kinda sucks. But it’s kinda exciting as well.
Loving and knowing that I’m loveable?
I want my life back… but I want my life as it will be.