I WANT my LIFE back!!!

… oh wait.  No I don’t

I mean I do.  I want HIM back. I want to feel his ARMS around me.  I want to see his face when I kiss him into insensibility.  I want to hear his laugh.  I want to be bored to tears as he passionately talks about all things fish and rivers.  I want him to sit with me and help me study for an exam on a subject that bores him.

But… I want all that NOW.

But… I wouldn’t have my NOW if he were alive still.

I want my life back… but I don’t.

It doesn’t make sense.  I miss him. I hurt over him. I can have grief waves where his absence makes me wonder how I’ll survive another minute without him.

But I love the direction my life is going.

I love the options I have.

I love so much about my life NOW… and I wouldn’t have had it if he were here.

But I want my husband back.

But… I want to keep my life as it is…

It’s so conflicting… being on the verge of “LIFE IS AWESOME” while still being pulled by “BRING HIM BAAAACK!!!”

There’s so many weird thoughts… the missing him never stops.  The memories still tear.  The pain still haunts.

But the anticipation for the future beckons.  The excitement for what will be is overwhelming.  The world of “what will be” and all the possibilities…. I feel GOOD about what could be.

And I feel slightly guilty that I do.

I will always love and honour my Mark, my Love, my sexxy redhead.

I will always wish for a different outcome.

I will always grieve for the loss of what could have been.

I will always have trigger moments as things happen and life happens and he’s not here to share it with me.

But I will share them with my Chapter 2, whoever he will be.

I am excited about the possibilities of building a life with a new Love.

I am giggly with anticipation with the “what could be’s” with … someone… whoever that may be… who wants to share my life with me, and let me share their life with them.

I look forward to being someone’s last love, or someone being mine.

I’ve been someone’s last love.  I have loved until death parted us…and I will always love… and I will love again.

Learning to be alone?  Kinda sucks.  But it’s kinda exciting as well.

Loving and knowing that I’m loveable?

Beyond priceless.

I want my life back… but I want my life as it will be.

Kintsugi

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3 thoughts on “I WANT my LIFE back!!!

  1. Sandi Cline says:

    You are such a strong minded woman that I am in awe of you & your personality! Big Kudos to you for sharing your thoughts, ups & downs, as well as your life. I’m sure your words aren’t always received in a positive light by some, but I appreciate your willingness to push the boundaries. Bottom line, it’s your life & your experiences & how they affect who you are & who you hope to be! I on the other hand am at an age that I have no desire to pursue anything, other then my grandchildren & my first great grandchildren, twin boys! I have triplet grandchildren who their grandpa my husband adored! No one could ever take his place or begin to fill his shoes, not for the kids or me! I didn’t get to love him first, but I spent his last 38 years loving him last! All my best to you & yours!

  2. connwin says:

    I’m less on the ‘excited for my future’ side (though I’ve made a bit of progress on that and am continuing to work on it, truly), but I still get what you’re saying. Like, I’ve realized that getting really excited to go to something called Camp Widow is just…a mind fuck! That’s just how I label it in my brain; there’s no real reconciling of it. Glad you are excited for your life now and future. xo

  3. survivormomma27 says:

    I told my therapist I wanted my old life back. She said, it’s not going to happen. That was a harsh thing to hear, but truly that is all I wanted. I couldn’t even look at the future. I just wanted what I knew. The good, bad and the ugly. Thanks for sharing.

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