It Was Meant To Be…

When I was in employment flux, between my first and second seasons at BC Wildfire, I went to a career counsellor, jumped through some hoops and decided on Licensed Practical Nurse as my upgrade/career path.

My reasons:

  1. The amazing nurses who inspired me.
  2. To be of service
  3. To be there for other people going through what I went through (simliar to #2)
  4. Employability.
  5. Mobility OR stability.

What I didn’t remember… was it was something I had thought about a long time ago.

This was part of an update post on April 13, 2012.  Almost 3 months after he initially went into the hospital.

Mark Healing Community Post

I can’t do a point/arrow/highlight on a picture in a wordpress blog, but right in the middle… It says..

“If I could do it over again I would go into nursing or surgery because that was AWESOME to watch.”

 “I would go into nursing”

And yah.  In 2 months, I will be in nursing.

It was meant to be.  It is happening.

I know for a lot of widows/widowers, the phrase “everything happens for a reason” is cause for white hot rage, seriously offended, going to throat punch the speaker reactions.

For me?  It’s the truth.

Everything happened.  For. A. REASON.

I am exactly where I should be in my life.

I am doing what I am supposed to.

All avenues, all options have closed off and the path towards nursing is brightly lit, clear and safe.

Path

I know where I’m supposed to go from here. I can see the way, and without EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED…

I wouldn’t be here.

I’d be in Squamish still (miss my friends!) working with Co-operators, selling life insurance and probably doing an amazing job at it.

I’d have a husband who requires round the clock care with a recovery measured in years not months.

I’d be exhausted.  My kids would come second to my husband’s needs.  My husband would feel guilty about that.  He’d feel helpless and hopeless and lost and a burden.  I would probably spend more time trying to make him understand that he’s not a burden than just loving him, because he’d need that from me, from us.

The reality is, life would have amazing beautiful moments.  I would still be Mrs. Mark Smith.  I wouldn’t resent it for a moment.   But it would be my life, focussed entirely on my husband.

But now, I’m allowed to shine.

A friend of mine blogged a long time ago… he gave me my life back.  I know that he’d be here if he could… but in the end, he loved me, loved his family enough to let us out of the limbo we were in.  He loved us enough that he would have fought if there were any real options left.  But there weren’t.  So he let go, and let us move forward.

And now… where I’m supposed to be is coming to fruition.

I love him so much more for being willing to let go.  For doing what’s best for EVERYONE, instead of holding on and keeping us in that holding pattern.  It shows how amazing of a person he was.   And I wish everyone who reads this could have met him.  Could have known him.

He was so incredible and I was so blessed to have been loved by him.  So blessed to have been his wife for 13 years.  So blessed to be the mother of his children.  So very blessed to have loved him to his last breath.

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4 thoughts on “It Was Meant To Be…

  1. Sandi Cline says:

    Just want you to know that I eagerly await your updates. You have more strength then I think you realize. Your words offer me hope, but humble me to the core. I don’t know you, but I am so proud of you & know in my heart that you will accomplish all of your goals! Kindest regards to you & your family & good luck in all your endeavors! You truly inspire me to try to move forward!

  2. Widow Strong says:

    Just beautiful. It’s wonderful to hear that you are on your way to a career that will truly mean something to you. Go Shine!

  3. Lori says:

    I was married to a man like him for 30 years. I am left with two sons that remind me of him everyday. Lucky me. I am so grateful for this privilege. Losing my husband is one of the worst tragedies of my life. But I will go on because I am also the mother of his two sons.

  4. Shiloh says:

    I’m widowed 9 years and your words still resonate with me. Although I had experienced the death of family members before I had no idea what it would be like to be left a widow with three children and no job. Nine years on I still feel pain every day. It’s not as acute as it used to be, when I felt like ‘widow’should be tattooed across my forehead. I’m a different person now. More thoughtful, calmer, see beauty more clearly, appreciate my friends more (have less of them but would trust them with my life). I breath deeper and feel more connected to the earth where my beloved ashes lie but his remains live within me and though they hardly remember him, also within the spirits of his teenage children. I don’t know if I will find love again. It would be nice but I’m not as optimistic as I used to be about it. There are some ‘dick heads’ out there. I’m stronger and more sure of my ability o see out the rest of my life on my own and sure in the knowledge that we will be together again.

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